|| Extreme negotiations

36. Sunday morning not so pleasure readings for difficult conversations

This Sunday morning I was catching up on the BetterUp coaching materials for difficult conversations, conflicts, extreme negotiations.

Those in extremis negotiators solicit others’ points of view, propose multiple solutions and invite their counterparts to critique them, use facts and principles of fairness to persuade the other side, systematically build trust and commitments over time, and take steps to reshape the negotiation process as well as the outcome.

Why is that important to you?  Propose solutions for critique: “Here’s a possibility—what might
be wrong with it?”  Learn the other party’s motivations and concerns. Propose multiple solutions and
invite your counterparts to improve on them.  The skilled in extremis negotiator focuses on turning negotiation into side-by-side problem solving rather than a test of wills.   Seeking to draw the elders out and engage them as partners, he asked, “What would be wrong with this idea?”

Use facts and the principles of fairness, rather than brute force, to persuade others. Arm them with ways to defend their decisions to their critics, and create useful precedents for future negotiations. 

• Appeal to fairness: “What should we do?” 
• Appeal to logic and legitimacy: “I think this makes sense, because.…” 
• Consider constituent perspectives: “How can each of us explain this agreement to colleagues?”

Explore how a breakdown in trust may have occurred and how to remedy it.  Make concessions only

if they are a legitimate way to compensate for losses owing to your nonperformance or broken commitments.  Treat counterparts with respect, and act in ways that will command theirs.

Build Trust First Deal with relationship issues head-on. Make incremental commitments to encourage trust and cooperation. 

Avoid Acting without gauging how your actions will be perceived and what the response will be

Ignoring the consequences of a given action for future as well as current negotiations.

Instead Talk not just about the issues but about the negotiation process: “We seem to be at an

impasse; perhaps we should spend some more time exploring our respective objectives and constraints.” Slow down the pace: “I’m not ready to agree, but I’d prefer not to walk away either. I think this warrants further exploration.” Issue warnings without making threats: “Unless you’re willing to work with me toward a mutually acceptable outcome, I can’t afford to spend more time negotiating.

Control and power can be asserted most effectively by slowing down the pace of the negotiation, actively leading counterparts into a constructive dialogue, and demonstrating genuine openness to others’ perspectives. That isn’t giving in. It is being strategic rather than reactive. It’s thinking several moves ahead about how your actions might be perceived. And it’s making tactical choices that elicit constructive responses and advance your true objectives.