Saturday, October 28, 2006

|| Kick, push, and coast

People who attend college here in the US have an edge. They smirk, they ghetto, they sport. I didn't know exactly why a few years' apart would make the whole experience different until very recently. Every society of the world has stereotyping, generalization, pride and prejudice, but only the US has elevated the conflicting interests to those of race, discrimination and ideology. Yang, Dave, and me had a happy Friday night with our friends Jerome and Christina. Jerome is black, Christina half white half Spanish, and we are Asians. The night was full of racial jokes, or maybe not jokes.

The college is the ground for developing a colored lense in seeing people, Asians (with glasses) fixing computers and working their ass on homeworks, blacks pulling out the gun from the back pocket, hispanics, oh well, I do not know, but sure there is something. But people grow up, not necessarily in a good way, but learn to pretend on basis of being liberal, democratic, and equal rights. Those are the ones that go to grad schools, and therefore we who come after the advanced degree never get to go through the test of foul plays but real, instead we see fair games but fake. So we have not learned.

I take pride that I had worked in a restaurant every weekend for two years, the odd jobs that we hold merely add to the richness that a life can crave for. Dave worked in a ghetto Circuit City, therefore mouthful of jokes of racism, including pretending not being a Chinese and not knowing Chinese and only revealing the truth when it comes to light. The life of people can never be learned from the books and eyes and ears, hence I often think that it does good to be tasting how ugly or beautiful the real world is by working in there.

Blacks have bad histories, Asians are "naturally" humble, yo, we are brothers and sisters. We talk ganster stories, pg county, chopping down living things, torture movies, hip hop music with slurs and killings. We live in the west end, but half an hour down the road, there is the ghetto KFC that does not have chickens to sell. We greet people with "how are you" in workplace, but the moment we hop back to the cars, we turn back to ourselves, sounds kick ass.

Who I like, who I don't like. I'd like to think of myself being bad after high school, but when the lense was unexpectedly applied to, I denied, off the chart, smashing, dashing, that would be a hit to me. I retreated to a safe corner, classic. I'd like to stay with not-my-typical-Chinese, although they may not be good for me, obviously they are not. Rebels are interestingly bad, not just for a Friday night. Stay clean.

Kick, and push, and coast. Looking for a place to be.

Monday, October 23, 2006

|| Cheat on me

It's myself, cheating on me, putting my faith and life on the line, and do that almost everyday, silly girl. The last of the last, the end, had already come, and I did not know it, oh, I am always the not-knowing, yet here comes to a point that no one is answering my questions. How sad, and I am still in the sad fountain. I speak, I move, I smile - talk good, think good, and act good - oh, I am doing all of them, but not getting any of good.

I am in despair, bottom deep in where a person could ever be, intrigued by air, by water, by time. It's so cold outside, god, for who you are and who you can be, help me.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

|| Plunging Life

As the world turns, I learned that my aunt just had a major operation and removed her ovaries because of cancer, all in the middle of the tide that I threw back into the hollowness by one, two and three jerks, big holes also where I can go from today, very difficult life.

The one is no stranger. It is just appalling and he has picked up a philosophical sense and been mocking me, so I know that he really hates me, but I know that I hate him more and more, and I wish he will suffer, then I will have no tears.

The two is a pretentious and bad taste. We went to his pick of the Chinese restaurant, and he cared about is a veggie low main. I was furious at the table, but instantly I took no interest in his whatever statement. All other feelings turned downhill from then on towards him.

The three is a weird and surprising discomfort, and comes with a Canadian chill. Thinking back, I should've guarded myself at the first time when we had the picnic. He sat side by side with me, rather close and uncomfortable distance. Many stupid questions, strange answers, silly laughs, illogical plans, so many things went wrong. The beautiful verses and memories were utterly shattered, and I fled the person like running away from a hit and run crime scene.

Elsewhere, they were plunging, everything, everyone, every place, every minute, every stoke.