Saturday, October 30, 2004

|| Millennium Edition

I sat in the front of my Dell computer, 12 hours' of time, yet I'm just so joyful that I have come back to my own millennium Edition. Ironically, my life seems to be taking the same great journey back to where it wrecked during millennium.

10/28/2004
Capital Ale is a much better place for Thursday happy hours with colleagues. I walked in and found Kevin and Doug at the corner table, while Erich, Travis and Mike sat at the bar. They were already on their second glass of alcohol. The drink menu was 20 pages long.

"What should I drink?"
"I'll get you something."

So I had two bottles of Purple Haze, small Tsingdao size. Not sure if it was the alcohol, didn't quite remember the conversations taken place, but was sure there were plenty of those. Doug reminded me that I was on the invitation again for the Program 6 celebration. So I suggested we drop some hint about expensive restaurant and appetizer so Yoan could make the reservations. All of a sudden, we all feel a great deal of uncertainties, because Michelle and I are leaving the group, while Trident and IMC are becoming an integral part of the planning process. So much for the happy ending.

That same evening I had an appointment with Jian. I picked up the restaurant, didn't dare to mention that I was drinking right before. I couldn't help smiling when Jian insisted on separating the remainder of the food for both of us to take home. She wouldn't have a clue why I did that.

10/29/2004
A marathon of long distance phone call that lasted till the morning of the next day. I had some predictions based on two meets with a group of high school classmates, and was now told that the predictions were fairly accurate. Normally I would congratulate myself on my abilities of observing and comprehending, but couldn't have a single positive reaction after hearing this. Well, didn't I play tricks like these from time to time? I said I understand, but I don't like it. This comment is for that person, and me as well, but we are just fighting for that one more chance, if not the last chance. Then I was asked what my predictions are for the "you and me", and I was honest again, "not that good". I was thinking very consciously every minute "we" stayed together. I may have acted on my impulse for one in a hundred incidents, but I was very clear in my mind what could be expected. I said lots of things, but what I said was like what I wrote, was not paid attention to, so it was effectively rubbish.

10/30/2004
Now this computer deal gives me lots of lessons.
  • Less is more, so only ask for what is absolutely necessary.
  • Don't expect to cure the new problems with an old recipe without facing sacrifice.
  • I can make do with the not-so-young-or-beautiful.
  • Change is good, but the process of change is painful.
  • I don't need tears or grief before getting things done.

So I worked on my computer for 12 hours straight, so much for a Saturday. I'm born to be a hard worker with subdued qualities, none of which is considered the greatest virtue of women in general, so they are effectively useless.

I wish that I could do some things different, to make "millennium" a good memory before I am at the end of the road, so far "millennium" still looks like something that's crafting my doom, so I don't know how I should wish myself ...


|| 2004 Halloween in Overlook II















Sunday, October 24, 2004

|| The End of You and Me

I turned on the heater. This was a wet and chilly Sunday morning, and the gloomy weather has extended to all of my motions. The nine hours' sleep didn't help with my work fatigue at all. A terrible headache, like a hangover from a heavy alcohol drinking. No, we didn't drink at all. Computerized soccer games, Chinese takeouts, and the forever darkness outside the window were all we had to deal with the other nights.

For a moment, I hesitated - do I use the telephone, or do I not? I sent text messages labeled by numbers, but didn't get reciprocal replies by numbers. I felt like being stood up for a date of something, (un)fortunately this was nothing new to me.

"How come that I got rejected all the time?"
"That's because you asked the wrong boy."

Why do we look different persons in the eye of another? Even though I know, I don't want to know, but I do know. There are things in this world that have no cause and effect relationships. So the smart thing
to do is not to ask. I could wait on Mondays, remain solo on Tuesdays, but I wanted to hear from you on Wednesdays that clear the darkness of you. I was disappointed all the time.

"What do you think of this Friday night?"
"Oh, it's better than the other nights when I'd been all by myself."

Suddenly I find myself contained in this emptiness. I was with him. I was with her. I was with them. All has been marked by an alienated containment. But I had enough of it, my life is a wreck. I started to read writing proses of a more contemporary writer - not much that I had commonalities with, she was too local for me. I like writers who are versatile and embracing changes. But there is something that I learned - we have to find our roles of life no matter what stage we are in, a hard worker, a passionate lover, a devoted daughter. I've
been silly, for a long long time. I didn't do any of it well, at any time, because I got confused.

I'm close to the end of it.

-- published to jieminhb blog via my gmail account

Sayings of the week - Snowflakes and baseball games equal to changing channels.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

|| 10 Days in Tibet, the Chapter of Heritage

October, 2004, all Tibet photo collections were contributed by Feng Haihua

The Palace

Walk In

The Crew

On the Roof

Shelter

One View

Don't Look Down

Straight

Wall Stretching

Step Up

Up from the Woods

Windows

|| 10 Days in Tibet, the Chapter of Nature


Heaven

Snow Wave

Peace

Blown Away

Endless Journey

Closer to Rage

Moody

Blues

Plateau

Storm

Far Side

Solitude

Lost in the Sea

|| 10 Days in Tibet, the Chapter of People


A Girl from the Earth

Not So Lonely Walkers

Trekkers on the Road

Two are a Couple

Walking Together

Still Standing

Marching On

Saturday, October 16, 2004

|| Cell Phone

A rush of blood into the head, and I was backing my car at 30 miles per hour. Cell Phone is the best movie of 2004 that I ever watch, although after watching, I felt my inner strength weakening. It is bad timing, when I actually need that confidence and belief to help make lifetime decisions.

Lies and cheats. I cheated, I was cheated on. If you extend all of this disloyalty to relationships outside the romantic ones, aren't we dealing with that in our every day life? And how many lies and cheats can we succeed before they eventually blow up? Oh, they blow up, get yourself used to it.

I feel cold because it is so real. The husband cheated on the wife, who discovered the affair via a cell phone text message, and they got divorced. The then bachelor cheated on the new girlfriend, who discovered the old connection between the divorced couple via a new cell phone he purchased for the ex-wife. The man cheated again on the girlfriend with his old love interest, and eventually the girlfriend left the man (she had to) after seeing a love-making picture taken via the girl's cell. The world is a temptation island.

The cell phone culture is an interesting one. I purchased one the very next day I landed in Shanghai in August. Just as Mom described in an early letter, lovely girls read and write text messages in public transits, and I was doing the same thing. If I felt bored, I would fire away messages. Did I ever write anything inappropriate? I didn't feel like it, but outsiders may have a different judgment. But I did recieve sensitive messages from old boyfriends, and I had to delete them before my next meets (some of them have acute curiosity syndromes). Don't be stupid, we just said things, so we can be pardoned.

Isn't it a big lie and we become increasingly good at it when we say "I love you forever"? When I heard that he no longer loves me, I thought, How could he? Later, I just bit the bullet and had to think that he no longer loves me. So what am I supposed to be thinking now that he says I miss you. A big and fat lie. So I lied back. The world is full of lies.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

|| Cheeburger Cheeburger

The rest of all (this is a Friday lunch hour) seemed to like the soda fountain from an old fashioned jar glass, like the containers you find in grocery stores for salad dressings. Now as a matter of fact, many of my colleagues believe that these jar glass are better designs than the existing curvey plastics packages. Likewise, seats, walls, bar tops, waitress ... no, they don't chase the chic or the contemporary, just maintain that plain old country full service burger eating place. I, unfortunately, only eat burgers when they are the only items on the menu, but in this place, you top your own burgers. Well, doesn't Fudrucker give you the freedom of doing your burgers also? But the choices are only limited to the practical lettece, tomato and peppers. This Cheeburger place offers delicious toppings like roasted red peppers, banana peppers, so tasty and real, The fried onion rings are incredibly delicate and crispy and yummy.

Photo Taken from Cheeburger Website

It's amazing how I ended up liking the place when I walked out, just after one meal. So there are things in this world that connect by instant chemistries. My taste buds changed and my general tastes of things changed. They are rather the consequences of experiences in a longer time period. So it doesn't matter how I want to preserve the old ways, things don't work my way as they used to. Is it really so hard to change my interests (wanted to use the "l" word), or is it just a matter of time? I wandered around half of the city in the afternoon and at night during this early October weekend. The solitude helped nothing in understanding that my fantacy will be falling apart. Is it just a nature of the universe that things are unpredictable? Or changes have already been made into the Law of Universe? Why is it even harder to move on than to move back? Yes, I recreated 1990s in the summer of 2004.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

|| Metropolitan Jazz Orchestra, a night in George Mason

Not my favorite genre, but my overall interests in live music extended well throughout the night, that good music is epidemic and you just fall in love with the moments. Rocky provided the ticket for last night.

This piece from the Metropolitan Jazz Orchestra is a special tribute to Tito Puente, who according to the legend, is the "King of Latin Music". The entire 10 performances were around influences between Latin and Jazz. You think, how can they possibly merge into one, knowing that Latin is about loud and passionate, while Jazz fairly subdued and moody. Well, last night proved that they could mingle well enough to draw the attentions of the middle age and win applauses all over.

Various players of saxophones and trumpets, as well as a few trombones and rhythm sections took turns to come front to the stage and perform some notes individually. And as always, I observed their demeanors and styles. Their minds were certainly flowing with the music, who wouldn't, if you sat there in the auditorium. Most young players had quite an air about them, and the best of all are some of the black professionals. They are just born to have these qualities of rhythms and beats which are the essentials of doing Jazz. When they played, I felt I could read how much they put in the performances, all their emotions and experiences could be reflected in their fingers. The highlights of the night, of course, were the two guest of Timales and Congas.

This was a foggy night, and walking on the well groomed pathways around a pond, I watched the Center for the Arts building standing beautifully amid this still of the night. And I tried to remember when the last time was that I sat down for some serious art performances. That could be as early as ten years ago in the auditorium of Shanghai Centre. And the show was Shakespeare's The Tame of the Shrew. So so long time ago ... I am a person who just sits on the fence, not classy, not sportive, not adventurous, not anything specific, but happy that it gives me the freedom to cross one territory over another, without much hassle. I know it has also become my dilemma that I don't want to commit to anything, and the idea of commitment simply freaks me out.

My eyes were blurring on the way back, like the foggy weather sprinkling on my windshield, leaving that unclear visions into the rest of the world. I was thinking thousands of miles away. That was unclear also.

|| A Touch of Attachment, in the Father of All Mountains of Zhejiang Province


September 2004, Photo Taken by Feng Haihua

|| Stealing the Wisdom from Everest, a collection of Mount Everest


May 2004, Photo Taken by Feng Haihua

I believe there are monks living in these mountains, withholding all the secrets of the mankind, how the universe comes into being, how the human beings arrive in this planet, and how the "Me, Myself and I" identity fit in the varieties of things. I think people climbing the mountains all have a chance to meet the monks and get their questions answered, because they withstand the extreme harshness and deserve the truth. I probably will never meet the monks, but I want to steal their wisdom somehow.


May 2004, Photo Taken by Feng Haihua

You read them in the text books, and never dream to be getting so close in one day of your life. Like many of the lofty goals, they could be yours, as long as you reach out your hands. This sunset is not my favorite, but it does show minutes of a peaceful moment.


May 2004, Photo Taken by Feng Haihua

The deepest memories are those when you are not like yourselves when you go extreme. I am a moderest risk taker, which explains why I have to borrow pictures of others to feel the extreme, or read essays/biographies to evoke the understandings of life in general. Ask me what it is like to put two personalities together - they are equally toxic towards each other.