|| In the eve of the 2007 New Year

This is the three day new year's weekend, but I work so hard everyday till 2pm-3pm in the morning, only to wake up in the bright daylight, but with painful feelings, not looking forward to anything in the hours to come, in the days to come. The castles fell, the dreams lost, all the improbable, what do people know, I am sad over you.

Yang was with me all the time. I asked her at the beginning of the three days, what we would accomplish by the end of the three day freedom, and now it's already 2/3 gone. Yesterday I wrapped up 2006 work by completing all 360 reviews and self appraisals, do not want to think or write or say anything related to the past two years. I have painfully built myself to my fall, you can never be mine, you can never be true, you will never come to my dream. I should be over you, over me, over us.

I do not need to know what you become, who you are, where you go, what you think. I say that you don't know what you lose, you say that you know perfectly well what you give up. Though I shall never know, I look at you, you have not said a word, you have not shown up, you have not opened up, why do I not have the right? I do not have the right, but I remember all the details, wonder what they mean, oh, what a fool that I think of their meanings, that I continue to fool myself that you know what you lose, if not now, it's some day, some time, some place. That will have nothing with me, I have nowhere to go, but I cannot return. I've gone too far, that I've got to throw my castle away. In my dreams, the dreams last so so so long, that you could not have the dreams in all your life, they will never come true.

You have been very harsh and harsh on me even after the days, but why do you hate me when you hurt me so? I do not ask why, I do not think of you, I do not remember the details, after today, after 12pm, after here. 'Cause it's 2007. I should learn not to pick up what's not good for me, I was mistaken, and the mistake is costing me.

Today I made lots of calls to mom, friends, college buddies, people I've seen, people I've not seen in the month. I did not call you on the New Year, no, I will not. You have not been good to me in any way, in any relations, in any humane definitions possible. You have not shown up, no, you will not. We are reversed of guilt, of pain, of burden, of love, of sadness. I do not need to know. I will learn. I will work, over time.

Tomorrow it is 2007, there will be no you, it will be me. Happy New Year to me, my dear, it will be 2007 soon, and 2008.

|| 2 days on the road to San Francisco

Pacific Ocean


Seal


Seal


Seal


17 miles drive

Pictures contributed by Rocky, cheering me up a bit 'cause they are so beautiful

|| The Room

I"m sitting in a room, "all this and I'm supposed to be the mistress".

Heavy curtains coving the overview window prevent the darkness of the night penetrating into the room. Green tea table and chairs stand in the front, easy for a relaxed Sunday afternoon, "enjoying the weather". Coming inside, sofa, table, media center, impressive not exactly in a good way, obviously things had been moved from the old place. A little bit further, solid wood dining table with six chairs, then kitchen. It is good hardware and smart design to a certain degree, very lightly used, but dirty glasses sit in the sink, maybe for weeks. The fridge and the washer sit on one side, a tad smaller than my taste, but believe fully functional for a family of young professionals. A balcony is then attached to the kitchen facing north, a working balcony, for hanging clothes, machines and etc.

It is the room, things scattered all over the place, utility tools, remote control, circuits, gadgets, cloths, shoes, papers, and everything one can imagine about life and work. But the room does not have me, although I'm absolutely sitting here, with wet hair coming right after the shower. Oh no, there is no me. I understand why I end up in this place, with the permission of the owner, and tonight could well be the time when I have to say goodbye and farewell. It is very hard on me, considering I may have asked for everything here and now nothing belongs to me yet I am sitting here as of this moment.

Also puzzling, my letters are exactly organized in a zipped plastic folder, on the table, could it be as there are no drawers, or the owner has prepared to return them to the originator? Not so puzzling is the harshness being in a dead relationship, something that breaks the heart, crushes the faith, and destroys love.

|| Kick, push, and coast

People who attend college here in the US have an edge. They smirk, they ghetto, they sport. I didn't know exactly why a few years' apart would make the whole experience different until very recently. Every society of the world has stereotyping, generalization, pride and prejudice, but only the US has elevated the conflicting interests to those of race, discrimination and ideology. Yang, Dave, and me had a happy Friday night with our friends Jerome and Christina. Jerome is black, Christina half white half Spanish, and we are Asians. The night was full of racial jokes, or maybe not jokes.

The college is the ground for developing a colored lense in seeing people, Asians (with glasses) fixing computers and working their ass on homeworks, blacks pulling out the gun from the back pocket, hispanics, oh well, I do not know, but sure there is something. But people grow up, not necessarily in a good way, but learn to pretend on basis of being liberal, democratic, and equal rights. Those are the ones that go to grad schools, and therefore we who come after the advanced degree never get to go through the test of foul plays but real, instead we see fair games but fake. So we have not learned.

I take pride that I had worked in a restaurant every weekend for two years, the odd jobs that we hold merely add to the richness that a life can crave for. Dave worked in a ghetto Circuit City, therefore mouthful of jokes of racism, including pretending not being a Chinese and not knowing Chinese and only revealing the truth when it comes to light. The life of people can never be learned from the books and eyes and ears, hence I often think that it does good to be tasting how ugly or beautiful the real world is by working in there.

Blacks have bad histories, Asians are "naturally" humble, yo, we are brothers and sisters. We talk ganster stories, pg county, chopping down living things, torture movies, hip hop music with slurs and killings. We live in the west end, but half an hour down the road, there is the ghetto KFC that does not have chickens to sell. We greet people with "how are you" in workplace, but the moment we hop back to the cars, we turn back to ourselves, sounds kick ass.

Who I like, who I don't like. I'd like to think of myself being bad after high school, but when the lense was unexpectedly applied to, I denied, off the chart, smashing, dashing, that would be a hit to me. I retreated to a safe corner, classic. I'd like to stay with not-my-typical-Chinese, although they may not be good for me, obviously they are not. Rebels are interestingly bad, not just for a Friday night. Stay clean.

Kick, and push, and coast. Looking for a place to be.

|| Cheat on me

It's myself, cheating on me, putting my faith and life on the line, and do that almost everyday, silly girl. The last of the last, the end, had already come, and I did not know it, oh, I am always the not-knowing, yet here comes to a point that no one is answering my questions. How sad, and I am still in the sad fountain. I speak, I move, I smile - talk good, think good, and act good - oh, I am doing all of them, but not getting any of good.

I am in despair, bottom deep in where a person could ever be, intrigued by air, by water, by time. It's so cold outside, god, for who you are and who you can be, help me.

|| Plunging Life

As the world turns, I learned that my aunt just had a major operation and removed her ovaries because of cancer, all in the middle of the tide that I threw back into the hollowness by one, two and three jerks, big holes also where I can go from today, very difficult life.

The one is no stranger. It is just appalling and he has picked up a philosophical sense and been mocking me, so I know that he really hates me, but I know that I hate him more and more, and I wish he will suffer, then I will have no tears.

The two is a pretentious and bad taste. We went to his pick of the Chinese restaurant, and he cared about is a veggie low main. I was furious at the table, but instantly I took no interest in his whatever statement. All other feelings turned downhill from then on towards him.

The three is a weird and surprising discomfort, and comes with a Canadian chill. Thinking back, I should've guarded myself at the first time when we had the picnic. He sat side by side with me, rather close and uncomfortable distance. Many stupid questions, strange answers, silly laughs, illogical plans, so many things went wrong. The beautiful verses and memories were utterly shattered, and I fled the person like running away from a hit and run crime scene.

Elsewhere, they were plunging, everything, everyone, every place, every minute, every stoke.

|| Natural Bridge, Lost and Found

Natural Bridge in the Day


Cooking smoke in Monacan tribes

Natural Bridge and the Monacan Indian Nation of Virginia have joined together to construct a living history Monacan Village complex. Visitors will be invited to step back in time and see what life would have been in a typical Monacan Village 300 years ago.


Monacan village


Natural Bridge in the Day


A fine and marvelous bridge


The road down the natural park


Laced stones


Going solo at sad fountains, end of the journey, smiles with content


A creature in haven


Cedar creek


Lace falls

The Natural Bridge Nature Park begins with the walk down Cascade Creek and ends about a mile later at Lace Falls. Natural Bridge is included in the Virginia Birding & Wildlife Trails Peaks of Otter Loop. The trail includes many curiosities unique to Natural Bridge, especially the 1500 year old Arbor Vitae tree.


The lost river going down nowhere, an odd looking stream of water


Love water falling in laces


The lost river flowing from the cave


You have to cross over the lost river

Coming out of the Natural Bridge entrance, I came to realize that my keys were nowhere to be seen. They were left in the car, now I normally do not rush and make mistakes, but I did change my routines on the way, stopped at a gas station. I was asked to seek help from Kathy, the manager of the ticket office. She was polite, but not excessive, got me a couple phone numbers, a Lynchburg locksmith, a sheriff's department. It was a Sunday, and no business is willing to operate on Sundays. So I had to call the sheriff's number. The woman operator was effective, but not excessive. I love these business is business women. The help was able to come to my rescue within 30 min of the call, and simple technique. I have to write down the phone number here 463-7328 (area code is unknown), my white knight, remembering years ago in Pennsylvania, the Walmart store rescued us from a broken tire. Strange and small places, business, people, random encounters, but not random memories.


The caverns

In ancient times, water-filled cavities slowly drained, narrow passages & water-sculpted rooms opened up. Cave deposits began to form, much as they STILL do today, about an inch every 125 years.

The Caverns were opened to the public in 1977. It was originally explored by Col. Henry Parsons in 1889-91, but the natural entrance was too steep for general use. When the modern development took place, some tools, a ladder, a lantern, and rope were found where they had been left in 1891.

Roadside overlook


Mountains north of Charlottesville

I attempted to get back to Blue ridge parkway, but got lost and took a little turn at this overlook station. Chunk of clouds, haziness in the mountains in the far sight, plateaus with human living, such ease, such comfort to the souls.

Driving in from I-64


Fine takes along the rails


My dear faithful

Mountains in the far, on my way home, and home is far

|| Cold, Warm, Lies

Through several careless circumstances, I found out that Anmol drives a Mazda convertible, and I have absolutely no immunity towards a fashionable car, although my favorite is a BMW, Mazda is one of those acceptable replacements. Actually I'm always more curious about the driver and the passenger, who are they, how do they feel and what do they like. I glimpse over the mirrors, grayish and well groomed hair, blonde with designer glasses ... they are a scene to be watched.

I came back home Friday evening, had a little detour on the road. Anmol was already waiting for me at a gas station in short pump. I struggled, but couldn't resist the temptation of getting in a convertible on a late summer evening and strolling the streets with my flying hair. "How about Meikong?", oh well, I had only been to the Vietnamese restaurant once, not a bad place for a Friday night. The ride was fun, joy and a little uncomfortable, because of the conversations. Anmol was largely unpopular in his own ethnic group, and I befriended many of his critics, but they were all gone. I was very careful choosing subjects of interests not to betray my earlier alliance, but demonstrate a level of confidence and willingness to be associated.

The dinner dialogues were full of me revealing that I was lying, but with more lies. But I was relatively honest about my pro-one-china political standing, 'cause many people mistakenly took my equilibrium attention distribution as being a liberal extreme, and it was incorrect. I did myself the justice, and it was stunning to him. After that, he made another fatal mistake and assumed that I have changed to be warm as opposed to be cold in the first impression. Cold, warm, I knew I had lies covering lies, sometimes I could barely make things even and whole.

We then switched to the Starbucks at the Cox road, but we took I-64 instead. The wind, the speed (over 80 miles), and again my flying hair, I loved and I was scared. The conversation continued, and he wanted to probe, and I was covering. My coldness was broken by a look of warmth, but I knew my warmth is the new cold, and it's even more dangerous. I constantly care for my hair, but was told that I looked fine, and someone inside the shop complimented my botkier stirrup bag. It was always excited when someone could notice the difference. There were not too many memorable words, we talked about prior life, movies, and etc., hard to tell whether anyone has the romantic intention, but I was, I thought, very clear that I was not going down the path, and at the end, I thought he knew too.

But I do admire his pursuit towards life and quality of life, prescription for satellite radios, wining business, drinking tea in ashland somewhere, great tastes of documentaries, blogging global warming, and owning a convertible. I have fantasies, but all end in nothing when they come to a real life, practicality takes over, and blogs full of darkness and personal, and chill.

|| Jungle

I walked on the streets of the museum district in DC, ran into a certain jungle, the Henri Rousseau: Jungles in Paris exhibition in the National Gallery of Art. This showcase celebrates the broad range of his work: landscapes of Paris and environs, biblical and ancient Greek characters, allegories, portraits, as well as the largest grouping ever assembled of his iconic jungle paintings. Rousseau's fantasy landscapes depicting a seductive and terrifying faraway world, reflect the fears and desires of a modern era.

Some claim that this painter of exotic locales are merely the fantasies of a city dweller, constructed from visits to the botanical gardens and the zoo, as well as book, magazine, and postcard reproductions of dangerous beasts from distant lands, by the way, there are quite a few original sources of journals and docs on display as well. I found all characters, in animals or human beings, have expressions that only the profound minds could detect. They look like comic books, but more than the certain laughters or curiosities that the onlookers could ever ascertain.

This summer has extreme heat, but there's something else more than I can bear. Intolerable, human tolls are raising high, Rocky leaving the eastern coast. I try not to be sentimental, but having nothing to occupy my mind for now, I can only sympathize. Shopping at 9pm in the chinese grocery store, music bringing sorrows to my eyes, I walked up and down the isles, very empty, very lost, very sad.

|| The Original Word

" ... I am leaving ___. D_ and I are moving to ___. It's a relo package for D_ (with Kraft Foods) and I'm switching careers. I'm getting out of the finance gig and going to pursue a couple of my passions; aviation and photography. Though its been awhile since I'm taught flying, I'm planning on jumping back into that field. On the photography front, I'm planning on marketing my current portfolio as well as getting out and taking more pictures. The move gets us closer to home, gives D_ career advancement opportunities that she had put on hold due to my career, and allows me to move in a direction that will be more fulfilling ... "

-- Jim A., from a DW update

|| Weep You No More Sad Fountains

Sleep is a reconciling

Ä rest that peace begets

Doth not the sun rise smiling

When fair at ev'n he sets?

Rest you then, rest, sad eyes

Melt not in weeping

While she lies sleeping

Softly, softly, now softly

Softly lies sleeping

-- at the anniversry of a forever sad day

|| Love Story

Today is Jim's last day here. He's going to Chicago, and to all my astonishment, he does not actually have a prospect of a profession, but just following a long time love of fifteen years. I never imagine Jim being the romantic kind, but stories like these are very moving, and indeed I cannot laugh at him, in the front of others. It is a personal pursuit, a passion and a promise, a sense and a sensibility. He said that he may go into photography that he has great interests in, that he is retiring from the finance profession. I see that people like Shekhar would never care about feelings like that. He is rude and rude, no respect, no taste, no everything. Every departure has a good and sad reason, but I congratulated Jim that he is leaving for a cause that I admire.

This is a delighted season, good-byes, meet-and-greets, all day long. Most recently, I had a real good laugh meeting an interesting couple. The man was addictive to golfing; the woman could hardly hold her tongue. Very comparable people together, and easy going, reminded me of the many who converse easily with people they are not acquainted with. They are just talented, instant bonding, and very welcome too, even when their comments are sometimes imprudent. But they are hardly anybody that we need, besides those good laughs, they are loud, they exaggerate, and they are not sensitive. They are good for each other, but I hardly relate to them at all.

|| Faith, Religion, Charity

As little as I ever want to provoke different opinions and argue for a thing that can never have a winner or loser, the ocasions arise that I have to face the questions, the remarks and criticism. And I am very less experienced in answering them, yes would sound like that I am easily persuaded, and no would sound like that I have little taste.

I went to a Saturday study group of a known charity group. In the United States, humans can hardly be social without being religious. I had not thought about exercising my prudent before agreeing to attend, 'cause it would be rude to ask such questions. The effect on me can rarely be guessed, Tammy didn't understand me, I am free thinking and free thinking I'd like to remain. It was Buddhism, many years since I last visisted a Buddhist temple, and never had any serious readings of its books. The religious leader for this group, as seen on a couple of Discovery people portraits, is a very smart and respectable person, she talks real, looks humane, and embraces the new world in many different ways. I strongly feel that the Asian culture, due to the large population and the bad history of being poor and less developed, requires a religion (new or old) to carry out an event that has impacts to the mass public. The approved and the non-approved societies in the past few years were all consequences of the history of the land and people, only religious groups, not business groups, can accomplish and conquer. Hence the US has Salvation Army, the Red Cross, Habitat for Humanity, Food Bank, and etc ... No one organization is associated with the most well known religious parties, there may be faith, such as mission statements, designed for spiritual enhancements, but they are faith, common sense, consciousness, not religion. In that city that they gathered, volunteers wore uniforms, followed rituals, and worshipped the leader. Hard to explain again, US only worships morals, values, and religions for maybe an hour on a Sunday morning, and those morals and values, although not talked about as often, they had those in the daily life; some others worship 24x7, never know how to live a life this is moral, with value.

Once I asked a friend what he considers to be mature, responsible, returning to the community. He says that himself being fine is the best return to the family and the society. It's self absorbing, in my opinion, to the family, to assume that they will have no need from the offspring, no matter how modest they have been; to the society, to ring fence one's responsibility as a single being. My own problem, rather, is not having the kind of determination that gets me into the actions. Tammy specifically requested that we not wait till retirement to act on the commitment, a small contribution, a big hand help while we are financially capable and physically healthy. My other problem is that I can be harsh, wanting more and quicker back from the people I help, but they have far more problems to deal with in their days of life, which I cannot see, and cannot help with.

|| White, Navy, Black, New Obsessions of Polka Dot

After two years of dull and disappointing displays of Euro taste, H&M is totally re-engineered this 2006 summer collection. Wearable, sensible, and conveniently inexpensive. I particularly like the nautical theme this year, sharp black and white stripes, navy blue sailor's patterns, very cotton everything, plus the new polka dots tops, skirts, blouses, dresses, oh, I long to have them all.

It is amazing how cotton can be so versatile, nothing at all how it is painted thirty years ago, that it was shapeless and design hopeless. Today the jersey wears are full of spirits and creations by the designers, and happily holding themselves well when they are on the bodies. I notice that the cotton material is cleverly replacing the status of chiffon in the high society, as it is said that nothing is born to be the princess, all is grown and presented, in the eyes of the beholder.

I bought a white dotted navy top, and a navy dotted white top, medium sized dots, but not the smallest, just felt that the smallest can't be the most desirable on cotton materials. As simple as the design can be (without too much of a color scheme, of course), the polka dots are rather formal wear, and I can think of no other occasions but evening outings, or maybe business casual (with a cardigan). Polka dots have that superior quality that is no other than the designers who, like the pucci, try too hard on the geometric patterns or the color arrangement. They are, however, hard to wear to bring out the foreverness, of the dots or of the owner.

These magazine scans are from the 2006 May issue of Vogue, with Keira Knightly on the cover page, and featured story when she was shooting the Pirates of the Carribeans. The fashion world can be so diverting, that seeing all polka dots, and just black, white and navy, is very bold. However, people have different countenance with one face, so the polka dots, even when they are on the same face, will always look very different. And she was understood very well, as all polka dot wears suited her and complimented her, greatly influenced me in many ways in the summer of 2006.

|| Outward Bound

Hardly did I come back from the island that I had to deal with an important loss of an alliance, although itself being a short period of acquaintance, it has certainly left me a great deal to digest. It was the last two days that Ju stayed in Richmond, so we had a final dinner together, just between the two of us, at Mama Cucina.

People are interesting creatures. For some, I have to be persistently inquisitive and ask questions to make out their characters; for others, their own assertiveness saves me the trouble. They can be shy or even modest, but there is a certain something inside the nature of the being that comes out when there is a true connection, that makes them impress effortlessly.

They are both stimulating companies, one is forgiving, for reasons of not having the regrets, not feeling the pressure, not accomplishing the incremntals; the other is anything but forgiving, for reasons of not being content, not staying flat. The middle ground, where I am stuck with, is the worst that I cannot forgive, yet I cannot not forgive. It has been more than about the obvious, 4+ years in one place with moderate advancement, my other attitudes are just becoming more wholesome. I have not allowed myself to be content, yet I have not shown the strength to be determined, and I can't make amends to myself for the pain.

It's a puzzling life. We ate very little, but talked most of the time. She related to many experiences that added to the present, and I came to realise the threads had been very thoughtful. At such a young age, she is very decided and has been executing with great profession. Often times we allow ourselves, or excuse ourselves for the mistakes, to be less grown up in prior years, to be less conforming to the society, to be just different from the rest of the world. I see it is a flaw, or I have to admit that it is a flaw. I have not been wise.

The bar deck by the water side, to hear the sea birds crying out loud, to look at the sunset shedding golden lights on the wooden fence, to drink a cold beer ... I have not forgotten. The busy Italian restaurant by the short pump crossroads, to talk about the incrementals, to look up to the contentious qualities, to save the future with how-s ... I am mortified. And after that, I am left all alone, old alliance all gone, and things repeat on themselves, if my fingers are not moving fast enough.

|| Morning Walk

Foggy Day

I was happy that the weather changed, very out of the ordinary, within a meal, the sky turned from clear blue to foggy grey. I didn't notice the transition at all, just like that, so very unpredictable. The guests were rushing to go inside the bar, and we were forced to stay outside, my feet getting colder. But I always like greyish weathers, rainy days, gloomy days, I believe they offer a chance of tranquility that people don't always get from the sunny days. I had to wear on my fleece jacket, and it was perfectly appropriate, to stay outside, the protection made me free of the environmental changes, which are not necessarily not welcomed.


Wearing Marmot Fleece

I posed for this shot, wasn't satisfied with many that had been taken the day before. I have to admit that I was disappointed, myself being sometimes too serious about the perfection of a job. My wish, however, was proved to be rather offensive, yeah, there is a little bit of that. But more shots were taken with the same setting, in the hopes of that more volumes will generate a higher probability of getting something better. They did, but I actually have no place for them here, so they become a waste. Like the details in the product, if without a certain appreciation, the performer gets discouraged.


Coming to north shore

Slowing driving up to the north of the Wasterside Inn, we saw less development. At the bay side, rental houses own the docks well extended into the water, becoming a private and seclusive playground of some sort. There are small and local businesses situated along the roadside, and we went to one on the Bebee road, a Rick Howard fresh seafood and produce, recommended by the landlady. The north side of this island is more tranquil and calm, even the business looks that way.


Favorite Fishing Girl


Early Morning Stand

I couldn't skip a morning walk every day here, just stepping on the wooden floors made me like the day, the place, the walk. The air smelled sea-ish, but I get used to it after a while, also enjoy looking at the men working on their ships and boats and docking and undocking. I very much admired these men, their physical appearances, their handiness, their ease of living a different life, imagining that one day I would have the same liberty of not caring for a stranger's eye. It's an expensive habit, I know, you've got to be rich to possess this certain something, or the lack of something.

|| Changing Weather

Foggy Start


Hazy Far Side


Sunny Bench


Sailing Boat


Lonely Dockside


Sunny Again


North Side


Morning Fog


Sailing Sailors

|| Waterside Balcony

Balcony Dock View


Balcony Pine


Balcony Chair


Balcony Fence


Balcony Dock View


Balcony Jakuzzi


Balcony Stream