|| Big Bowl, Small Appetite

It's evening time on Saturday, strange time to have eyes and ears wide open but they are unfortunately.  Summer was gone in a second, the most boring and insecure of all times ... skies, trees and the grounds were the same, but the mind was not at ease.  It's a place of insanity, if  I do not kill, I get killed.  It is brutal as hell on many many things.  A new beginning, but if it never begins, there is never going to be a new beginning.  Why it's just so hard to start on things ... The four deals I had been working on this year, they don't close, the non exclusive ones, they didn't make it to the second round.

Big Bowl is a restaurant at the heart of the restaurant areas in the town center.  By the outlook of it, it has never convinced me to step in.  Eating for someone else it was meant to be, and so it was ... it is the fourth.

Three hours after and a few internet articles after, it's one of the classics of exit reactions.  The reality is even worse than what can be documented.  For some, you see once, and for some, it's forever.  Goodbye can take so many forms.  Small appetite, maybe that's the only thing that I can manage myself to.  On the verge of more insanity ... maybe the sick ones are the real lucky ones.

Many hours later, I'm still dwelling on this, not meant to be.  I did my best for any possibility that's out there, I had done my best.

Two full days later, I'm still asking these questions, why why why.  BC was laughing at me, I didn't understand the real meaning of the game, how sad and how incredible that I didn't know and I was still checking the phone, checking the email in the hope that I get a message, but of course, there has been none.
There was one more rejection taking place today.  One job application I just submitted yesterday was clearly declined, it was destroying confidence, all of these ... what happened, what needs to happen, how do I survive the crisis?

In the evening time, refreshing the website every five minutes, five seconds, of course, there isn't anything.  Just as predicted, all excuses have been exhausted by now.  New things are coming up, so let's use them to absorb the mind, and hopefully, hopefully, the restlessness goes ... but where do I pick up what belonged to me.

That's the end ...

|| A very cold winter it has been

Simply the coldest in my memory of the days in the US, there is no relief in sight, life goes on and can never under-estimate the tensity of human beings.  I feel I have already survived the coldest days in the past few weeks, now this physical coldness, is nothing to compare to them.

I went back home in seven years, such a long time, how did I live the seven years, one by one, I don't know but I did.  The flight back home was two three hours late, when I was on the taxi, I saw many lights beaming from the very far buildings, but the lights were all in cold shades of blues.  I thought they'd be the warm browns, but so many of them were fluorescent blues ... there were lots and lots of blues.  Everyday was filled with small things-to-do so that there wouldn't be any boredom, but there was.  I saw the best of friends, but they were worth nothing, not the trip from tens of thousands of miles away.  I said yes and I said no, I smiled.  There was no drama ... but it's free, very very free.

The lifetime years, the year of 13 and the year of 14.  Maybe finally I realized that the only warmth could come from nowhere but here.  Here are a few new year's resolution - 1) work less 2) manage finance 3) waste no food 4) home improvement 4) travel the slow pace.