|| How Do You Explain, Simple Plan

I am working on a year end self appraisal, won't deny that this type of administrative work does make you think about future careers and professionals, but self analyzing is more difficult work than observation and judgments on other people. And then ask whether you deserve the have and have-nots, and a next step. Eventually it will get done, but it has to be behavoral, questions like how do you explain. I wonder if behaviors can be changed, due to what circumstances, and how long it takes. Thinking back, I would have to say it is never a conscious program that I am intentionally changing my behavior. The circumstances are changing me, and if that is true, people just have to be put in a certain situation to experious and change. Simple plans taking natural courses never work, self determination without extroadinary drivers won't work either. So it needs to be dramatic, but how many times are we even given the changes to be dramatic, well, no one says that we have to stay on the regular course.

All right, it's time to plan on the modest wishes and lofty goals.

|| Holiday Parties, No Shimmers

Went to a few new year parties, had expected more sparkles and shimmers.

Betty rented a neighbourhook club house. I preferred the smaller town house, no seating arrangements. And we made all of the food last year, and interestingly enough, everyone changed to safe dishes simultaneously. I reminded Pierre that his greeting message was not as good as last year's. We were probably exhausted, this has been a busy year.

For the first time in my Capital One career, I attended the global finance holiday party. It was quite formal an event, cocktail parties. I said my hellos to everyone I knew, bumped into Chris on my way out. Both of us had been elusive. He was looking to a heavy drinking night.

I went away early. All of a sudden this month of December is already half gone. I'm not expecting anything or anybody, at the same time, I am not expected by anything or anybody. I feel fortunate that this holiday season is half gone. Oh, I wish a star in the sky would take me to my home, thousands of miles away.

|| 2004 Thanksgiving

Li Yan replied, yes, she remembered the turkey dinner of 2000. We were fixated on making our own bird, downloaded recipes, bought stuffings and seasoning, gotten our stove working, but the bird was just not roasting. All others were memories of shopping strategies, or lack of shopping strategies.

Ironically, I am left all alone this year, fighting my way through the cashier's counters in Potomac Mills. Yet I'm supposed to be full and content, now that prospects have changed. I still cannot put that big and heartfelt smiles on my face. Thanksgiving is supposed to be loving and caring. I got my Dad two irregular size pants, a pair of fleece gloves for Mom, and a couple of small things for myself. I also realized that I can virtually start to count down the days that I'm leaving all these behind, sometimes feels like that I'm saying goodbye to the world, the sun system, then setting off to the other galaxy.

Not so fast, not so for sure either.

|| Habitat for Humanity Builds

Friday, the 19th of 2004, and there was something seriously wrong with me. We were more than 2 hours late. It was rather unbelievable. I drove around the town up and down, east and west, and made numerous mistakes. I was mad that morning, but fortunately, the day wasn't a total wreck. The day was meant to be one that stayed in my memories for a long period of time.

The Habitat Company is one of the largest private residential property managers in Chicago and midwest regions. On that particular day, we were helping in 2316 Byron Avenue in Richmond. The work was putting up (taping) the dry walls. Yuan and I worked a great deal, and I was just proud of myself. We did just hammering the nails for the first couple of dry walls, but quickly figured out how to measure and cut the boards. There were other carpentry techniques that are interesting, and certainly our supervisor Bill was extremely tolerant of the mediocre quality jobs from us volunteers. Bill, like all other hard working people, has an attractive sense of humor, and directs us well on the progress of the building.

But it was lots of labor. My hands were literally burning because I didn't wear gloves, and then all my physical strength seemed to be losing fast in the afternoon. Yuan and I did one bedroom closet, and one kitchen closet.

House and building house were never my dreams. I have very modest goals now, but I look at this opportunity as the start of my dreams, of owning a living space, where I will be with my families for ever and ever. I knew nothing was hard if I set my minds on it, therefore the procrastinations from the other side of the equation became all the more disappointing. I would visit here again, just look at it in far sight maybe.

|| Leaving Overlook II

7:30pm, I was packing two boxes of things in the Overlook II building, while awaiting for a reply from the moving administrator. I totally overlooked the moving communication message and didn't know where I was moving into. But my sentiments were tinted with saddness, amid all of the funny things Bob was saying. Yes, I'm leaving.

I arrived 8am in the morning, and discovered things on my chair. I could not believe that Chris had made an earlier trip to the building and put the things there. So I pulled this glass frame out, and that was his drawing of me, my portrait. It doesn't look like me, but as we joked around later, the frame would eventually become of some use, so I should still keep it. Also there was a purple CD, in a purple case. I mentioned that Maroon 5 has just become my favorite. It just happened (did it just happen again?) that, Harriat, his ex-wife, had just sent him an anniversary gift, the Maroon 5 album. So he made me a CD. We were talking about gifting between the couple yesterday, and I reminded him that Harriat gave him the digital camera years ago.

"Yeah, that was very nice of her", he said, "and of course, she bought the same thing for her boyfriend", and "she is a lovely, lovely lady ... "

So the innocent looking is not innocent after all.

It was a nice touch, purple, song, and maroon. That was a very generous goodbye gesture. I didn't have anything to give ...

Pierre, David, Bob, Chris and I later had lunch together, in a new Chinese restaurant. Michelle, Tony and Andrew were also there. We discussed what could be on the dinner table for the December holiday party. Pierre's message this year was far less appealing, but as we have plenty of new faces in the crew, it would be interesting to see how it turns out. Right after that, a "good luck" cake for Michelle and me.

So it ends like this ...

|| Weekend Night Shift

Had to wake up around 6am today to catch up with a friend who happened to be on a night shift on this Saturday. I was wishing that I could get up even earlier to do a 5am jog in the Deep Run park. No, I couldn't do that, but had to take some credits in the good will thinking.

I need to straighten out the basics on banking in general, which amazingly took an entire hour. Just recently I found that my comprehension over the phone is getting rusted. My mother was reading the newspaper for me, and I wasn't sure what she meant for. And this friend of mine, who spoke even faster and with a lower voice tone, totally confused me in the first 15 minutes of his advising, but fortunately, through phrasing and rephrasing, we then understood the questions and answers.

We then turned to the "moral values". I knew I was very outdated in terms of having an open mind, but honestly I had had very few examples, because my observations and imaginations were heavily biased towards my experiences this summer. The most shocking was about the roles of the newly wed women in other people's wedding ceremonies, also the attitudes of the men on having affairs.

I then asked, "where do you think that I should improve in being a person in real life?", staying quiet instead of asking questions, pretending to be needy instead of knowing everything, or what else. The answer is no, I shouldn't have to change anything on me, but I need to find a person who thinks that these characteristics are all positive merits. Unfortunately not too many of those in this world, or in that world would agree to that. Thinking back, I always went through this phase of the relationship that the mismatching habits on the other person became all the more intolerable, so severe that the overall impression on the other person turned into being negative. What I need now is a phase like that to get over the shadows and start new, but I can't.

He also gave it a shot on my million dollar question on the millennium. I knew it was for the good of me. I knew it was actually an easy one. We are in different buckets now, so we could keep our composure while proposing solutions on personal matters like this.

The call center was rather empty, then a girl came, turning on the shortwave radios and I could hear her giggling in the background. I am no longer a shanghai babe.

Then it was time for my friend to start his night shift.

|| Somewhere Out There

I didn't realize that Cox is so congested between 5-6pm in the evening before this week. It is only because it is the last of the Overlook II that I get the leisure to drive during this time of the day. Now the actual moving day is approaching, I am becoming sentimental somehow. I've known the rhythm, the beat, and the tide; so it's sad that I will leave them all alone. Most of the memories will fade away, yet just as when I lost things in the past, I wanted to open the window and cry out loud in the air, "would you come back to me?". We don't belong to just one place, we also belong somewhere else. Yet heavy fogs block the roads and visibility is too low to tell where it is that we really belong or attach ourselves to. I can't imagine that one day when I leave this country, this world, somewhere out there, a voice says, "would you come back to me?".

July 2004, Picture provided by Chris Pollock

|| Falling Out of Reach

Derbyshire is now renowned for being a hugely diverse county, with rural and urban life nestled within the breathtaking Derbyshire countryside. But my impressions seem to be contained with only where Elizabeth stood upon with many reflections in the novel. Years ago, I had this early morning habit to stand in the front of the Bund and watch boats running by the HuangPu river, breathing the air. They became so out of reach now ...

Picture provided by Chris Pollock

|| Jiu Zhai in August, Sea of Colors

|| Jiu Zhai in August, Gods in Ben Religion

|| Jiu Zhai in August, Waterfalls in the Run

|| Jiu Zhai in August, The Fields

|| Jiu Zhai in August, Harmonies in All Dimensions

|| Jiu Zhai in August, Passers-By

|| Jiu Zhai in August, Temples of Ben Religion

|| Jiu Zhai in August, Underneath the Water

|| Millennium Edition

I sat in the front of my Dell computer, 12 hours' of time, yet I'm just so joyful that I have come back to my own millennium Edition. Ironically, my life seems to be taking the same great journey back to where it wrecked during millennium.

10/28/2004
Capital Ale is a much better place for Thursday happy hours with colleagues. I walked in and found Kevin and Doug at the corner table, while Erich, Travis and Mike sat at the bar. They were already on their second glass of alcohol. The drink menu was 20 pages long.

"What should I drink?"
"I'll get you something."

So I had two bottles of Purple Haze, small Tsingdao size. Not sure if it was the alcohol, didn't quite remember the conversations taken place, but was sure there were plenty of those. Doug reminded me that I was on the invitation again for the Program 6 celebration. So I suggested we drop some hint about expensive restaurant and appetizer so Yoan could make the reservations. All of a sudden, we all feel a great deal of uncertainties, because Michelle and I are leaving the group, while Trident and IMC are becoming an integral part of the planning process. So much for the happy ending.

That same evening I had an appointment with Jian. I picked up the restaurant, didn't dare to mention that I was drinking right before. I couldn't help smiling when Jian insisted on separating the remainder of the food for both of us to take home. She wouldn't have a clue why I did that.

10/29/2004
A marathon of long distance phone call that lasted till the morning of the next day. I had some predictions based on two meets with a group of high school classmates, and was now told that the predictions were fairly accurate. Normally I would congratulate myself on my abilities of observing and comprehending, but couldn't have a single positive reaction after hearing this. Well, didn't I play tricks like these from time to time? I said I understand, but I don't like it. This comment is for that person, and me as well, but we are just fighting for that one more chance, if not the last chance. Then I was asked what my predictions are for the "you and me", and I was honest again, "not that good". I was thinking very consciously every minute "we" stayed together. I may have acted on my impulse for one in a hundred incidents, but I was very clear in my mind what could be expected. I said lots of things, but what I said was like what I wrote, was not paid attention to, so it was effectively rubbish.

10/30/2004
Now this computer deal gives me lots of lessons.

• Less is more, so only ask for what is absolutely necessary.
• Don't expect to cure the new problems with an old recipe without facing sacrifice.
• I can make do with the not-so-young-or-beautiful.
• Change is good, but the process of change is painful.
• I don't need tears or grief before getting things done.

So I worked on my computer for 12 hours straight, so much for a Saturday. I'm born to be a hard worker with subdued qualities, none of which is considered the greatest virtue of women in general, so they are effectively useless.

I wish that I could do some things different, to make "millennium" a good memory before I am at the end of the road, so far "millennium" still looks like something that's crafting my doom, so I don't know how I should wish myself ...

|| 2004 Halloween in Overlook II