Thursday, January 06, 2005

|| Bitterness in Goodbyes

So I said, she is a bxxxx and you are a dxx. You two make a perfect couple. I finally said it. I had wanted to do that. Girls should never go back after the ones they trust cheat on them. The years have passed, impossible to pretend that they never happened. And it was six years of time, and what mistakes couldn't have been corrected if they had been recognized from the very beginning. So all of these "you are always on my mind" statements are nothing but lies. And I could finally let my senses take over the sentimentals. I wouldn't take unsatisfactory or dishonest answers. At this point of time, nothing is able to heal the wounds.

So what is it, girl, for the next? What's to be said, and what's to be done? What's worth waiting for, what drives me? It's been such a long time that I'm mourning the loss of a love in my life, during the process where I meet people and then leave them. Edgar Allen Poe once wrote, the person who takes the revenge is never the winner, because he/she decides to take the burden of a tragic mission and have to succeed. The memories will be with them, tormenting the days of their lives. That's so true. I was unhappy, and I am unhappy. This is a blue start of 2005, but that's what I want.

Monday, January 03, 2005

|| Shaking In The Wake of 2000, A Documentation On The 5th Anniversary

A big pot of coffee was what it took for Jiang Ping to

drive us to the Indy airport, light snow covering
I-70, with very few cars driving on the dawn of a
snowy December day. As the car was turning onto the
interstate, I looked back at this small town, with a
very strange feeling. The trip couldn't be more
uncomfortable with several human fatal flaws. I ate a
chicken sandwich in Burger King before boarding the 14
hour flight from Detroit to Tokyo. That sandwich
threw me off the entire flight and I felt vomiting all
the time. And then, I picked the window seat. It was
a packed flight during the holiday seasons, therefore
couldn't stretch my legs and arms. Next there was
Rocky talking all the time. I really didn't care.

But who would know that the misery of 2000 was just
starting to happen? Rocky insisted on leaving on the
very next morning, and he would then come back to
Shanghai for the visa renewal. He left before I could
get up. He knew it then, just too kind to say it, as
always.

I had ambitious schedules. I took bus rides multiple
times in all of these places - Shanghai Labor Market
in Yan An Rd West (rmb20/month for filing fees,
ridiculous?!), Pu Dong Notary Public Office in a
remote road in the north somewhere, local police
station, district police station and etc. It was cold
and wet weather. The streets were still full of
smells of dusts from the massive city construction.
So my body didn't react well to the environment, and
later was confined to the bed and medicine.

Something else didn't smell right. I had landed in
this city for over a week now, and still hadn't heard
from the person who implicitly had invited me back.
My wishful thinking was that it was all
misunderstanding. Like a tatoo, I eventually called
the person and there he told me that he didn't have
time for me. My heart dropped. I realized that it
was the standard excuse for - no, I'm not that into
you, and I don't lie. But then still agreed with his
offer that I use his computer for internet
connections. We made an appointment of a Tuesday
evening for me to pick up the key. This would be an
opportunity for private conversations, I thought. I
was a fighting ranger, remember? Yet I couldn't go.
I was too ill, and I had to call to cancel. I was so
shaky that he didn't show a single thread of sympathy
or remorse during the entire call. By then, I had
landed in this city for two weeks, and he was no show.

We eventually met right before the millennium. I
couldn't remember whether we went for the bookstore
first or we had the class in Fu Dan. It might be the
class. We took the cab from the People's square, and
we met under the big screen, with the same morning
newspaper (rmb1/piece). There I was told that there
was someone new in his life, and their relationship
was on the rise. As if this wasn't humiliating
enough, he went on saying that they had even discussed
ME, so about a wild SISU girl going to the west, then
becoming even more wilder? I'm sure it was something
like that, because he smiled, and I didn't understand
what could have amused him, was it the thoughts about
his new girlfriend? I left the class immediately
after it was ended. I felt like a heart attack. He
said that she was a cute lady, small features, with
similar length hair like his, was about to change her
job to a big joint venture company (bright future, I
guess). Every account of her from his mouth, along
with his suggestion that we three could meet if I
would agree made me sick. When had he become so evil,
or was she manipulative, and consequently influenced
him?

Later that day, I had lunch with Chunmiao in SISU
canteen on the second floor. Shaw once said in his
prose that colleges provide shelters for their
graduates, and I bet he never meant this way that it
did provide me a moment of tranquility on the verge of
an emotional meltdown. I had no idea that things
would happen in this direction, so fast and so
furious, but at the same time, everything got back to
its senses then - I was just dreaming, I was never on
his mind, not a moment, not a second, I was so wrong
to myself.

The second and last meet was even quicker. We stopped
by the bookstore to pick up some computer books. I
was late, then I went away after the purchase. He
seemed a bit solemn this time, if I remembered
correctly, and I was determined that I wouldn't
tolerate people fooling around using my sadness. But
I was becoming immensely sober.

In between there was the millennium Christmas and
millennium New Year. At the same time, I fulfilled my
duties of several house calls, a get together with
Chengai, a dinner night with my Shanghai Centre
colleagues, a lunch meet with Changhong (ordered
Carlsburg like he did five years ago), and many visits
to Qian's home. I sometimes sent e-mails to him, no
replies whatsoever, didn't even know whether he was
pondering over the questions, but I doubt that he ever
read what I wrote. But I thought it was unfair,
considering the fact that I am a good person, and
never cheat in relationships. I believed in cause and
effect, just couldn't figure it out.

The millennium night was a memorable one, vivid, live,
still running in my head. A cold night, plenty of
people, students sitting under the highway bridge and
play poker games, lovers huddle around and wait for
the moment. Millions of things ran into my head,
millions, where would I go from here, where could I
land from now, who would I trust, and when I could
move on. I was shaking and shaking under the midnight
chills, such a contrast to the descriptions I am given
now by the same person. Yes, he was with her. Yes,
they were together. Yes, they had the millennium. It
might be just a New Year for them, it was a crushed
reality for me, brutal and savage. I didn't know that
he could do this to me, or should I appreciate his
honesty?

A call on the eve of my departure was the very last
thing I got out of this tragic matter. A late night
goodbye call, how "sweet and thoughtful" was that? I
called back from the airport using an old phone card I
used in 1996. What could you expect, I confronted him
on his decision, all he could say was that it was too
late, it was decided, there was hardly anything that
he could do? I was weeping and weeping, on the flight
to Tokyo, and on the flight to Detroit, and poor Rocky
had to witness what I had gone through.

Should I be thankful that my life hasn't been a total
wreck since that day? Yet bet! I may have lost
myself for a long while, but I did pull my spirits
together and work hard in my world. I felt proud of
myself for surviving the dismay of 2000 and living on
my own agenda to begin my 2005.

But I knew I was very mad then, very mad ...
For the person, I've got some final words, I know you
won't ever read this ... you hurt an old friend, you
lost her, and it's your loss ...

jogging down in my blogspot via my jieming_liang yahoo
account, cc the person of the epicenter

Saturday, January 01, 2005

|| Open Windows On A New Year's Day

I am exhausted with my holiday blessing vocabulary. And then still debating whether or not I should start a laundry list of wishful thinking, and then work on those. Christmas, New Year, Spring Festival days have lost their festive context to me, just a long vacation and discounted shopping.

This year I could open the windows during the day. It was warm outside. And I was doing house chores, laundry, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen and etc. I saw people washing cars, cleaning cars and etc, we all feel the urge to get a good start. I seem to know what I need, focus, attention and dedication, just can't do it, but I believe life has taught me a lesson. That person is the same evasive this morning on the phone. He chooses the moments to say that I love you like the mice love rice. And I don't want to waste my emotions and time on unfaithfulness.

The windows bring new air, I knowing it or not, it's flowing in. I wish that I can grab some of it, and inhale nothing but the new.