2/17/2024 Friday (85 days from operation, 1 day back to the US)
We go back to the LTC routine, 9:00AM - 10:45AM visitation hour. I told the personal assistant team that they should allow Mom to walk around the facility. None wants to take responsibility for risks, it's sad that people should all age and become somewhat constrained that other people have the opinions of how they should live their lives. We have to move on from these nuanced details, and focused on the bigger goals in May.
Well, we have to go on with whatever is ahead of me. This is the most quiet day ever that I can enjoy in the next many months of times. Until then, I'll write on google blogs. Bless mom and bless me for all things, please.
2/16/2024 Thursday (84 days from operation, 2 days back to the US)
Today is the 7th in the Janunary chinese calendar of the spring, the birth date for all, and the birth date for mom. She officially officially enters the 80s. We ate a full fish, spinach and wonton. I had some stomach problems but mom was fine. I wrapped up many things and want to get myself as ready as possible. After all, simplify the activities to we can slow down more gracefully.
2/15/2024 Thursday (83 days from operation, 3 days back to the US)
Finally there is a new year's party in the air. Got the invitation yesterday and immediately said that I would make up for it. The party people are the usual high school buddies. Chen Haisheng, Xue Jian, Yu Kai, Zhou Yan, Zhuang Wei, Liu Hailing, altogether seven of us. It's the Da Lian seafood banquet, lots of dishes, and all are fine and just ok. Servicing is excellent. The conversations are extremely valuable, about medicine, fraud, police, career journey, and of course there are so many twists and turns in each of the stories. I feel thankful that we can meet. Three hours it is, and immediately people go back to their neck of the woods.
2/14/2024 Wednesday (82 days from operation, 4 days back to the US)
Valentine's day, in China, hardly anyone mentions it. It is the fortune god's arrival date on the 5th of the Chinese calendar. We made the 3rd out-of-home trip to the Century Park, in the Hua Mu Rd area. It has a large water space and multiple loops. We walked 4500 steps (in my steps) and rested many times until we went into the Chao Fu restaurant, a Chao Zhou / Cantonese style dim sum and lunch/dinner place. It was more upscale than the Bao Yue Lou, we spent 360 yuan on five different courses. The fried fish plate was awesome, along with the red rice rolls, veggie delight ... It was good that the service lady recoginized that we were speaking Cantonese, and she poured water into our cups. Mom's steps are better than days ago, walking on different surfaces is gaining confidence and experience. Every 500-1000 steps will require a resting stop, and pacing wise, Mom walks with her upper body strength, not enough in the leg or in the waist (feels tired). The left hand that holds the walking stick is also tired, nervous crossing the Shanghai streets and traffic lights.
It's down to 4 days, and Mom thought I was only going back on the 28th. Now she has a difficult look on her face. Time goes too fast. The days in togetherness is always in the past. I feel anxious, I feel nervous, and I feel reluctant to leave the current state into the unknowns. But it has to be done that way.
2/12/2024 Monday (82 days from operation, 6 days back to the US)
It was almost the same disaster but in the end, we turned around. We took the DiDi (first time for mom) and went into the Backshore Park. It was a quiet, safe trail, had music box on, winter breeze but warm. But still it was too much walk and not enough rest for Mom to be able to walk over to the mall. In sheer desparate, two arm chairs appeared by the road, likely resting places for the security guards in the parking lot. She rested in the daylight while I explored restaurant options. We went into Bao Yue Lou, a cantonese dim sum restauarnt, went in the right time after 1030AM, and had a side table. Mom enjoyed the tea and the deserts that we ordered. The three Gao, waterchest gao, radish gao, and the taro gao, were all very very good, representing, the greater than, the higher and higher spirit of the spring festival.
We are learning and reflecting from all these experiences of walking, distance, and adjust what we should do for the next day. Mom walks 2 steps to my 1 step, so I say every 1000 steps will require a resting stop, and we should contain the walking to well within the 4000 steps.
2/11/2024 Sunday (81 days from operation, 7 days back to the US)
It was a disaster day, going to the Lin Yi Park, 5000 steps (my step). Mom was extremely tired and completely wacked the walking steps fundamentals. Her body leaned forward 15 degrees, moved in extremely small but fast steps, and had risks of falling head down, scary moments. We made a lot of mistakes on the day, trying a new route that was dark and cold, also Mom desparately needed resting. She was in bad mood, frunstrated, and refused to slow down. Thank goodness we arrived at home.
2/10/2024 Saturday (80 days from operation, 8 days back to the US)
Today we went to the Pu Nan Plaza Park, 3800 steps. Mom's feet are getting used to the pebble stoned Shanghai street, also gaining a bit on the speed and the pacing of the walking. The park had badminton courts, some folks were playing sword dances, and others are simply soaking in the sun. We had seseme balls for breakfast (a record 19 pieces), veggie themed lunch and dinner. It's a very rare slow day, and it's getting warmer.
2/9/2024 Friday (79 days from operation, 9 days back to the US)
Today is New Year's Eve. Mom had some good and fine sleep, walked 1500 steps and felt tired and tight on the leg. She was not happy with the route I had chosen, but in the very end, she was fine that the fall accident was the past tense. Mom walked slowly, so we will need to be careful with the traffic light crossroads. Helen Liu visited, she fixed the cars (that reminded me of my traffic accident in 2023) and took away the things that I don't need, and left some small things, fruits, tea and flowers, much more enjoyable life treasures. She said, she will work for another 4.5 years until retirement then we should travel around the world for fun.
New adventure / challenges of 2024 awaits, not personal, cancel culture, meditate and let go of the small things. Be happy.
2/8/2024 Thursday (78 days from operation, 10 days back to the US)
Here is another hospital visit day, set at 2.75months to the operation date. The X-Ray looks very fine, the man-made hip seems to be integrated with the human bones well enough. Dr. Hua seems to be satisfied with the progress, and once again, stressed that mom has to be slow and use the walking stick. It's natural to feel a bit stretched on the right leg, and we should continue not crossing the lines such as sitting in very low chairs, crossing the legs etc. For medicine, we should think about vitamine D3 (2000, or 50ug) and Calcium for 1000 units (25ug). The next visit should be at the 6 months mark, and will require both X-ray and blood test. Dr. Hua did say the Japanese seems to believe that D3 and K2 should work together to improve the calcium in-take. Also, calcium shots are better than the calcium pills. There was one old lady who mentioned that she had taken the calcium shots for 10 years. This is the day before the Chinese new year's eve, so there aren't many visitors, less chaotic in the waiting hall, and we seem to be getting the time well. In any case, we are all happy with where we are today, given the situation.
Mom came back home, and noticed that it's cold. Her hands are cold, so the water bag is very helpful, I hope it's enough. For the first evening, we were eating the cold chicken, green beans and the chicken glizzards, vegetable soup. I am very glad that mom walked the way from the hospital into home. Home is a familiar place, and she feels home already. Slow, slow, slow. We want to stay together at the spring festival celebration. Every of these moments are so precious, as I have been thinking about it ... the days in Seattle is over.
2/3/2024 Sunday (75 days from operation, 14 days back to the US)
Rain and cold continue for second week and more. Today is the establishment of the spring and is located in the old year of 2023 in the lunar calendar. Four animals are in conflict with the master, and the ox/bull is one of the four. I cleaned (showered), I prayed (with ash sticks) and I stayed low key (all inside the house). Christine Cao said she ride the train to Hangzhou for an art gallery. I did not feel that I could ease and settle with so much uncertainty even if I know none of this anxiety helps with anything. It's down to 2 weeks before I take on the next journey of things. Last week, the org update announcement was released, and there were emotions, lack of emotions, the knowns and the unknowns. I haven't started the work, and I knew it's not interesting but I have to be here for the money. Money is the only thing that can protect me from going down in misery. I have to work so that I can transition ... exit strategy ... into a sunny and resourceful place for mom and for myself.
2/1/2024 Thursday (72 days from operation, 17 days back to the US)
Today I went for the doctor's check-in by myself, for the 3rd time. The objective is to get insights into what medicine will be applicable for the 3-6month recovery phase.
- Teng Xiang, 4 boxes (4 weeks from 1/11 -> 2/10 -> 3/10 -> 4/10); will not continue
- Vitamin D2 (once every other week, 1/11 -> 2/10 -> 3/10) will change to Vitamin D3 for 0.25ug (one pill a time, 2x for a day)
- Calcium shot (twice every week, 1/11 -> 2/10 -> 3/10) will change to the nasal spray, one bottle for 14 days (I have two bottles), one spray on one side of the nose; 2 sprays a day
- Calcium medicine (once every week, total 5 boxes for 20 weeks, 12/21 -> 4/27; another 2 boxes, so 7 boxes in hand -> 6/20); will continue for 3 years
- Calcium supplement (2 pills a day, 80 a box, 2 boxes, for 80 days; another two box, so 4 boxes in total in hand)
Many things are becoming old and outdated. Cashmere sweaters, rain boots, rain coats, they all need to be replaced.
1/31/2024 Sunday (71 days from operation, 18 days back to the US)
A stretch of rainy cold days have begun, characteristic of the Shanghai weather in winter. January is passing, and February comes in tomorrow. I bought an arm chair for mom, with matching coral peachy red color cushions. I literally do nothing in the day after the LTC visit, lots of xhs and TVs on laptop. I am so isolated, not going anywhere except for a quick lunch in the food court. I order two small bowls of dishes, one protein one vegetable. Whereas the two construction workers share two small bowls of dishes, all protein. They look very happy. There are many of these silent observations, people work, and people eat happily. I am becoming more and more of just being myself, all alone even if it's home. Tomorrow is another brutal day of hospital visit.
1/28/2024 Sunday (68 days from operation, 21 days back to the US)
Mom walked out of the LTC today into the real world of Shanghai locals. Three thousand steps walked a whole round of the neighborhood place, Nan Quan Rd, E Shan Rd, the Wang Jia Zhai river, etc. All her favorite work places when she was actively teaching. She can withstand the crowds, the traffic and the stress of the up/down of the Shanghai streets. It's both exciting and tiresome, we have to be careful, and only incrementally increase the amount of the walking around.
1/27/2024 Saturday (67 days from operation)
It's still cold after the brutal wintry week. The sky looks dark and air pollution is quite noticeable. In two days, I visited 5 LTCs in the neighborhood, and I get the rough idea. Most of the state sponsored LTCs will say the monthly fees are about 5,800 Yuan, inclusive of the expenses of a bed, the assistance and the food. However, the hardware is quite different, some have 40 years, some have 20+ years, and some are less than 5 years. The soft people factors also play, does it look on the rise or on the decline, whether there is licensed doctors and nurses, whether they can do simple injections etc.
I feel tired physically, I need nutrition, I need total get-away.
1/25/2024 Thursday (65 days from operation)
Today I went for the doctor's check-in by myself, for the 2nd time. The doctor continued to be conservative, asking mom to use the walking pole because it relieves the pressure ont he hip, say the walking pole takes 25% of the body weight, right leg 25% and the healthy leg takes the 50% of body weight. I showed the videos to the doctor, and he rightfully pointed out that the walking pole action and the right leg are not fully coordinated. They need to be exactly on the same pace and the walking pole requires strength. A woman walked in and she comes from an expensive LTC and the nurse will take the medicine refill tasks/chores.
- Teng Xiang, 4 boxes (4 weeks from 1/11 -> 2/10 -> 3/10)
- Vitamin D2 (once every other week, 1/11 -> 2/10 -> 3/10)
- Calcium shot (twice every week, 1/11 -> 2/10 -> 3/10)
- Calcium medicine (once every week, total 5 boxes for 20 weeks, 12/21 -> 4/27; another 2 boxes, so 7 boxes in hand -> 6/20)
- Calcium supplement (2 pills a day, 80 a box, 2 boxes, for 80 days; another one box, so 3 boxes in total in hand)
I was mad this afternoon though for the armchair I bought. It simply does not assemble for me for a flaw in the carpentry, the screw holes are not aligned. I asked for a return, and will process tomorrow. I don't like it. It wasted a lot of my time, it's heavy and it's tiresome.
I made friends with the daughter of the 3rd bed in room 503. I want to look like being friendly, finding the ally so that mom can have more aliance in the LTC social circle. This has been easy.
1/24/2024 Monday (64 days from operation)
It does feel many unpleasant things collide into each other, yet none are critical but they require extra care and consume energy. I anticipated this, but not like the way it is. Nobody is paying me to do this, but I check work email every workdays. Anshul (L8 skipped) says that he emailed me two weeks ago, but it never arrived in fact. Well, I got the worst role, managing headcount, cost and roster management. This reminded me of the 2012, when I was fortunate to return to the finance department in the Capital One retail bank division, I chose not to work for Cheryl as the lead of central FP&A, instead, went into supporting small business banking. No, let me choose a different path, doesn't matter how aweful it is, it is a job and can be exciting, to connect to more of the senior leaders of this company, so that they can help me survive a few more months of time, earn out the relocation money, and find my graceful exit back into California.
While mom's situation is more stable, mine is getting more and more volatile, and potentially dangerous. I need to focus and focus well.
1/22/2024 Monday (62 days from operation)
At the dreary depth of winter in Shanghai. The temperature hovers around the freezing point in the dark clouds. It feels much colder on the skin when the gust of wind arrives. All laborors are still in the working, construction workers, vendors, commuters. People do what they have to do.
1/20/2024 Saturday (60 days from operation)
Ulviya slacked me that we have the dust settled on the Ashop reorg. Unfortunately SBL, Deals and some BIEs are all cut. Maybe 5%, and if including the voluntary and the low end of the distribution, the org could cut back 15%. I was upset that out of all the projects, they'd cut out SBL. This means a lack of strategy, lack of vision. In any case, I kept telling myself, that my objective is to get into a big tech for a late stage career, and I survived for a year plus. I am happy that I get to the two most exciting worlds of finance and of tech. Lots of fresh layoffs while the older layoffs are still lingering to reflect the bleak job market, as you can see the gap in between employment is getting longer and longer, easily 6-9 months these days. Be prepared.
1/19/2024 Friday (59 days from operation)
Zhang Jun En, a not so familiar name from the college time (5th class) came all the way from Jia Ding to the Nan Ma Tou area Starbucks, an hour and a half ride. He is more lively than what he used to be, more mature, confident, opinionated than what I remembered of him. He was more of a hippe (said he has a tatoo becaues he wanted to try it), but more professionally ethical and wants freedom more than anything (using paid VPN all the time). We haven't met for 10 years, discussed in 20 years, but we sat in that new Starbucks for more three hours. He is happy to be in teh workforce and has learned to wrestle only for the right things, stopped unnecessary social networks. At our age, he is like everyone else, knows exactly what he wants, and is marching forward. He is optimistic, has smile on his face, calculates his risks and doesn't offer anything. I should learn about it, less guilt, assess risks, have smiles on the face, enjoy solitude.
Mom complains that there's stretch in the in-between the butt and the abdoman. I hope there's no impact on the man-made joint.
1/18/2024 Thursday (58 days from operation)
I paid for the 2024 property management fee, less than 500 yuan. I started making all sorts of small mistakes. I try to be calm and I try not to cramp all things together in the morning, but I really need long and quiet times to reflect upon my thoughts. It's raining, large drops of rains fall on the urban objects, they make a sound. And the next cold snap is long and stretchy all the way. The harder things are yet to come.
1/17/2024 Wednesday (57 days from operation)
Today is mom's 80th birthday based on the national ID. I brought a piece of fish and apple bacon soup to her. Mom finally learned why she is using the inner muscle that's because she walks outward with her feet. After visiting her, I ride the metro 4 and metro 12 and arrived at Long Hua Temple. A very busy scene, and better with locals. I worshipped all buddha statues, with coins paying my tribute, then learned that the year of dragon is a disaster year for the ox/bulls. I bought two strings, red one for me and a yello/golden one for mom, for a peaceful 2024. I'm glad I am doing this on mom's 80th birthday, and while I am into the 50s. For another 80 years and another 50 years.
1/16/2024 Tuesday (56 days from operation)
I met Zhou Changhong today. I'd like to have this conversation every time I visit Shanghai. It only confirms how correct I've been dismissing this person from the first place out of my life, out of my future. No passion, no drive, complacency.
1/14/2024 Sunday (54 days from operation)
Christine Cao and I had our 2nd gathering (well, 1st one in 2023, and 2nd one in 2024). We walked the BlackRock mansion, the more quiet side of the streets around Fu Xing Rd, Guangming middle school, the US consulate mansions and etc. She learned from my examples and did better with her mother's situation, a single-person room and a state-owned elderly center with the more dedicated servicing staff. We all believe in the institutions, we don't have to leave a legacy, so it all belongs to the state. We had a more pleasant meal at the Ning Bo style restaurant. Took the metro 4 line to come back to my neighborhood. Checking the box, all done.
1/12/2024 Friday (52 days from operation)
It's the day 1 of the 3 unusually warm days. I had a quick bite at the Chao Xiao Er place, then took metro 4 into the north of the southern river bank. The destination is World Expo museum. It occupies a huge space, originally owned by the Jiang Nan shipyard. A few free exhibitions, a bit of a waste of land. The history looks interesting, especially when I saw the creation of the space needle and mount ranier as part of the 1962 Seattle World Expo. It says the glimpse of the future, right before the challenges of the future. Then I walked onto the boardwalk along the river bank, long stretches of the river, but it was wintry and a bit sad even with the sunlight and the warmth. I passed China Shipping hall, but it was empty. I did pass Dad's old office pace, a beautify modern day piece of architecture, simple and powerful. But I won't be able to get in, ever.
I feel anxious, I feel restless, the days are trivial, full of errands, not my world of things. I know the time is precious, and I have to live in the moment. I will keep trying.
1/11/2024 Thursday (51 days from operation)
Today I went for the doctor's check-in by myself. The doctor continued to be conservative, asking mom to use the walking pole because it relieves the pressure ont he hip, also putting on weight is not allowed. I showed the videos to the doctor, and he rightfully pointed out that the walking pole action and the right leg are not fully coordinated. Dr. Hua says he could only prescribe five medicines. At the time when he was calling the numbers (people who have reservations), he was also treating the people he knew without the reservations, putting in injections in people's knees. I have to think this doctor despises older people, and much preferred helping with the younger ones, or people of his age. He is a typical Shanghai local, who bonds with people who endorses his values.
- Teng Xiang, 4 boxes (4 weeks from 1/11 -> 2/10)
- Vitamin D2 (once every other week, 1/11 -> 2/10)
- Calcium shot (twice every week, 1/11 -> 2/10)
- Calcium medicine (once every week, total 5 boxes for 20 weeks, 12/21 -> 4/27)
- Calcium supplement (2 pills a day, 80 a box, 2 boxes, for 80 days)
1/8/2024 Monday (48 days from operation)
Monday is the room shower day, always nervous as bathrooms and shower rooms are usually the most dangerous places. Also this marks the week that I may be needed to attend talent review sessions, which I have no interests whatsoever. Mom can walk fine but the stretch on the injured right leg is also obvious to see. The physical therapy is mostly focused on moving the center of gravity of the body to the leg without incurring too much dependence on the hands. That's the point of physical therapy. I am going to revise the May schedule, to maximize the time and build some buffer so that we can go for the 6-month doctor check-in.
1/5/2024 Friday (45 days from operation)
Today is the half way to the 12 week / 3 month recovery phase, old finish and new beginning. I finished several city walks during the week, moderate winter weather, and the wish to be of using the time to learn something new. From Tuesday, 1) Duo Yun Bookstore on the 52F if Shanghai Tower 2) Shanghai Library 3) Su Zhou River / Xin Tian Di 4) Lu Xun Park in the Hong Kou district. Lots of walks, metro subways, buses, etc. There were many unexpected city gems of museums of histories of CPC and the liberation war for the city of Shanghai. This reminds me of Tokyo, the museum of Edo inside the city. After the new year, the physical therapy team had a total change. I didn't have the time to say goodbye, maybe it's not necessary, it's business, and I'm thankful that the official business can take care of many things with a procedure. I still believe in the power of institution, it's not personal, it's business.
There is something that's annoying. The relatives in Guangzhou continues to push for a visit, which can give them some materials to discuss, to criticize and to blame for. I refuse, I reject, but they keep coming back. I try to resist the temptation to reply back, learn to ignore, and learn to be self centered.
1/1/2024 Monday (41 days from operation)
New year, new month, new week, new day. Today is the New Year's Day. I was fairly and squarely staying at home in solitude, except for visiting my mother in the morning. Last week on Friday, Zhuang Wei and I did a city walk in the Xu Hui disctrict to the Wu Kang mansion, and the adjacent roads. The cross roads were filled with influencers and photographers, make-up, cosmetics, camera ready smiles. We shared a bowl of dumpling and some wood ears, conversations were fluid and comforting. On Saturday, the four SISU classmates had the reunion in the Kerry center, in the Jing'an district. Very popular with the young and wealthy, lots of imported brands, foods, and prices are pretty too. Completely out of the plan, Jing'an Temple was open for visitors, and I went in. Very elaborative buildings in layers that offset each other with balances. The one I loved the most, is the one that says "Come Along together to the other side". We moved in several places in 2023, to settle for a living, and I'd really wanted to invest in health and in living without the hustle and the bustle. That's the wish for the new year of 2024, the year of dragon.
12/28/2023 Thursday (37 days from operation)
It's a milestone day, after days of misery and doubt, it's becoming clear that the recovery can be reached in a reasonable time. On the 2nd day of getting the walking pole, mom was able to walk on it comfortably, following my instructions, "lift the right foot and the walking pole together, make them hit the ground at the same time, then the left leg follow along". The walk is still a little wobbly, but overall it's on the right track, and the walking posture "isn't bad", according the therapist. It shows strength (mostly mental resiliency), it shows experience (even having used a trekking pole in the mountain area), and it shows optimism (after watching those recovery posts on xhs).
I was a little annoyed by the Bao Xuan, self-centered and self-narcissism. What a waste of time and energy of making a connection in the first place, completely a socialite and out-dated.
12/26/2023 Sunday (35 days from operation)
Today is Boxing Day. I decided to finish all hospital business in 2023, so took the time to visit the patient record office and the hospital and got all of the records out into my hand. Reading them, and learning more on the what the physical conditions are with my mother and what the operation entailed on that day. The walking pole arrived, but I don't think this will work. Mom seems to be really gaining strengh on the leg, walking more comfortably on the right hand, and we are starting to practice the stair up with the injured leg.
12/25/2023 Sunday (34 days from operation)
Today is Christmas Day. Today's success, we were able to do the calcium injection shots, so one more problem solved, and can be leveraged for future needs. Paid 30 yuan for the foot nail service for mom, she thinks it's all free service. Mom was on the therapy trail today, for the first time, trying on the staircase, again it proves that the injured leg needs more strengths. I'm waiting on mom to finish up taking showers. Baiju is flying back to the US, he thinks he deserves it to be on the business class. He advises that mom should wait until May, and I should consult with Amazon HR for my departure date.
- Perfect response to passive-aggressive
* approach the person in a private setting, convey you are genuinely concerned and operating in good faith. "Can you tell me what is bothering you?"
* I'm sorry, that didn't even occur to me, you are right, I'll try not to do that again. "I'm respectful that we are having this conversation".
12/24/2023 Sunday (34 days from operation)
Today is Christmas Eve. This morning, I witnessed installing the new remote controlled gas meter. The serviceman was quite on point, some of the changes I had obversed during my trip. By now, all utility meters had been replaced with the modern ones, they are ready to be in service in the next 20 years, so I said. Today, in the daily moonwalk practice, mom was able to walk a full length by using her right hand and right leg. It does feel that there is progress over a period of time, being fast or slow is relative to a certain expectation.
The syringes have arrived. Everyday there seem to be challenges, but there is always a way. Baiju disappeared. Many people disappeared. This proves again, that I have to keep myself active and show values to friends and families. All human beings have learned that they should only spend time social with people that are interesting, informative, humor, rich or resourceful. I don't have much at all, just some knowledge (like Freda asked me about California) and some money (which I'm not willing to give away).
12/23/2023 Saturday (33 days from operation)
12/21 Thursday was an intense day of hospital visit. I grossly underestimated the time needed for the trip, started at 1130AM and came back at 4PM, heard it wasn't that bad. The trip was not fruitful, the surgeon doctor (Hua Jiong) refused to sign any document for the medical situation, and was prejudiced assuming that the patient has to be slow death from where she is. The incision looked all solid and closed, therefore the medication only included calcium (all variations) and vitamin D shots. Riding in the small car was totally fine, interesting. Coming back, I spent some time trying to figure out how to take the rest of the calcium shots. I figured there is no need to have another in-person visit.
I am thinking hard what is the best for the two of us, between cost and benefit, between short term and long term, between what's known today and what's at risk, between mental health and physical therapy. I feel so lonely, not having another sole to be consulting with.
It has been extreme cold for many days in Shanghai, and the time goes by as if it's senseless, but the clock is ticking, going, and passing. It's so scary as I reflected that I had imagined the days without hearing my mother getting up to make breakfas for me, without seeing her in the sofa watching TV with me, and it's already happening. Can we ever recover from these situations? We have to.
12/19/2023 (29 days from operation)
Mom was rated level 3 for long term care needs with 3 weekly visits, an hour at each trip, possibly worth 500 yuan a month. Today's physical therapy was all old moves, all on the flat bed. Whereas, independently, I've asked her to try stand on one leg with her entire body weight. For the 10am snack, I cooked the salty pork belly soup with the fuji apple cuts, it tastes fine but lacks the traditional salty pork belly flavor. The temperature plunges tonight to -6/7 degree celsius, and we go for hospital check-in tomorrow.
12/18/2023 (28 days from operation; count down to 2 months to go back to US)
Today mom took a shower and said the high chair worked ok but getting help on wearing pants have been difficult. She started a new week on the physical therapy, and we stood about 5min on the walking blue trail. Mom's school sent over four bags of snacks, food, fruit ... all so many goodies that I felt overwhelmed. Generally I don't like overflows, overages, they are wastes and what's worse is that they consumer energy to be solved for. Mom seems to be ecstatic, she feels happy as they seem to be free to her that comes from the country that she has served for.
12/17/2023 (27 days from operation)
It's the second day of the cold snap. It has been very cold, but the sun brightens up the day. Mom practiced the space walks, and gains some confidence with her left hand supporting the walks. It does feel everyday is moving forward with some progress but it's probably also an S curve. The recovery has to be very long. I distributed all three boxes of chocolates to the LT care staff today. Today at the food market, I changed to another fish vendor and got 2 fish for 10 yuan. The service is less supreme but the soup does taste more delicious with the original flavor with 2 fish. At 3PM, I heard wechat messages. Lao Liu then called then we went to the nursury flower and bird market, just next to the Lotus supermarket. It does feel a change of mood, small things to change the mood, appreciate what nature brings into the home of human beings. Many vendors offer Christmas ornaments. The holiday season is officially here.
12/16/2023 (26 days from operation)
It's a cold day. I scoured the clothing cabinet for suitable underwear, and found the Madewell legging I bought for my mother from many years ago. It is just the right thing for me, I am thankful to the "me" from that year that earned enough to have bought this for the same "me" now in this wretched state. It's cold, and people's minds are going for the dark, Mom eventually sees what I figured out that these long term care places are like prison, and the personal assistants are the prison wards, they control this place. The people inside will never get better, they pay, they get fed, cleaned ... but they never get out of the misery of being encarsorated in this place. On the way back, I saw old construction workers working hard despite the coldness, and food vendors continue with operations. Today we practiced walking in the first floor, it's difficult, it's stretching and we don't know if any of these will eventually become fruitful.
12/15/2023 (25 days from operation)
Today I finished the self evaluations on the team. It's a bit comforting to see both Ulviya and Ian respond on slacks. I was able to give two boxes of kitkat chocolates to the working staff. The physical therapy remained the same on all five days this week, 1) the basic foot ankel up and down 2) the knee muscle press down 3) the leg lifting 4) the leg-knee lifting 5) the butt lifting 6) the side opens up. Mom also practices the 200 steps, single rail walks with the left hand holding, shifting the body weight to the right leg then lift up the left leg. This will take a long long time to recover.
I try to be positive, and try to keep the spirits up. The days are getting much colder, starting from today.
This week, I managed to have visited three local city walks, felt tired. Inspired, yes, when I want to be inspired, by the streets, by the food market, by art, by nature. When I slow down, when I don't move in the midst of the a fast moving society, I see the ordinary people's efforts, the endeavors, the struggle, the resiliency.
12/13/2023 (23 days from operation)
Today mom started stepping 200 with the walker. The physical therapy remained the same flat position on bed movements, 20min is a short stay with mostly massage and just occasionally moving the injured leg. I supplement with what I can learn from the xhs videos. The injured leg required a lot of strength to sustain walking and balancing.
I then took the bus and visited MAP, a new place of interest along the river bank opposite the Bund. A modern gallery with state of the art lighting, visual and audio senses to enhance the experiences. One of the exhibitions was a photographer who brought humor, light-heartedness, and hope in the transforming of the era between the 70s to the 90s in China and in the Soviet. I see the optimism during the passing, the transition, it's not the end, it's the beginning of a new future. Art gives inspiration, I see that today.
12/10/2023 (20 days from operation)
Today mom walked about 10 steps of raising the operated right leg and the walker together, I'm not sure if this move helps. At the same time, she said she made a mess in the morning because there wasn't enough time to get to the bathroom. Tomorrow we'll see what the physical therapy says that she should do.
From the food market, I bought some fish balls and fish/port products, not too bad but not too impressive either. I kept cleaning, mopping, and was successful running the washing machine, every small success is a win that's worth celebrating for, nothing can be taken for granted.
12/9/2023
This is the most idle day, 4800 steps. The only place I had walked into is the TQ LTC. Mom walked the extra "mile" to avoid the Christmas party crowd. She stepped one up to get through the corridor access to the garden. Her hands had tight grip on the walker, and refused to have me assist her. She practiced standing and knee bending, but I could see she needs a lot more strengths in the right leg to be able to walk independently. I went into the rehab center. The therapist said we have to go slow and go conservative for the win. I have to remember that, we are both at our senior years now, we have to be slow and steady, avoid aggression, avoid temptation, avoid risk.
But I don't know what I want to do, not even in the next two months. How should I live the day, how should I spend the time thinking, how should I care for myself? I asked my wechat friends, 1) Xiaohongshu 2) iQiyi 3) travel, food delivery and visit friends. I also have the kindle reader. I want to slump, I want to decay, or I can get up for the extreme loneliness and this will get even worse over the long years of my life. How will I spend the time, and who will stay with me, nobody. Mom has been a partner for the last five years, and I've asked her to do a lot to keep up with me. I want to take her all along with me, sounds like a modest plan, can be executed at any time, but how does it become possible, or impossible?
I am one of the ordinary people. I have to learn the do-nothing, am-nothing, have-nobody ordinary life, if I hadn't learned enough.
