Friday, January 26, 2007

|| Death is so close

The whole week I have been hearing and talking about death, it was like death was ringing off the hook, knocking on the door ...

Beiju told me he and his family got the news from the newspaper when he was merely nineteen years old, I'm not sure what I should be thinking, but certainly do not ever want to think of the possibility that it could happen to anyone ... Mom told me that aunt may only live for eight years, because it was discovered that cancer had spreaded to stage two, but both my uncle and aunt are keeping up with the spirits, however chemotherapy draws them down, loss of strength, hair loss, vomiting ... yet insurance does not cover everything! Jie hasn't come to the office after Monday, heard her on the phone making doctor's appointment regarding her husband's migrane, loss of vision and loss of memory, but then had to rush to the emergency room. Just a year ago, he had a major operation removing a big tumor on the viral cord, then went to rehabilitation in Baltimore, coming back but still had to rely on object assistance for walking ... what a cruel world that people should ever suffer. I am also worried, which I didn't used to care about diseases and illnesses, but I am very worried.

In high school I was obsessed with talking and versing on death. I was not under pressure, not feeling pain, just like the darkness of death. There had been lots and lots of readings and poems on the dark power and heavy breathes. The torture, as I had to put it this way, was actually the uneasiness of putting myself in a group of people where not everything is judged by a logical way. I could not speak out, but I had one good companion and we could keep going talking about it like vanity fair. However, the black force receded in the twenties, now coming back again in my thirties and struck with lightening speed.

I met Raj in the bridge way in the Village, he said that I had become very calm, yes calm, being calm is such a virtue, god knows how many times I pulled myself away from degradations. I had to admit that life is beautiful when I am healthy and the family is healthy. There are many things that I could have, but they are nothing compared to being able to breathe freely, move freely and enjoy a day freely.

It was miserable the past two months, or was it? It became so pale when compared to the real tragedies in life that can hardly be reversed or lifted in an easy way. I could hardly speak it out, 'cause it was not a loss, but the dawn for me, when I do have both my hands, my legs, my heart and my brain all to myself, not taken away. I do not deny that I dream, I sympathize, I make scenarios, long time ago they did come true amazingly, but I should not let them turn into real any time in my life. So I have calm down, and I worry about much real risks and tragedies, even when they don't really affect me.

On the way home, I drove and noticed that the sky had a very beautiful golden lining right above the land line in the massive navy blue sky. That was striking, not a slice of lining, but a band of irregular and unpatterned opening; not a pitch black sky, but dark blue with attractive depth and mistery. Yes, the end of one matter always present the beginning of the other. I was too silly not to take the beginning, but think that I could reverse the end.

Yes, you are caged in a world of lies and deceits and betrayals, but I am finally out, and that should be the golden lining. I still like the dark force, the heavy breathe, they are attractive like the navy blue, but I have to love the brightness of where it leaves. It's getting close to the chinese new year, and I should not have thought about the evil death, but death is near, and I am calm, just I will not allow myself to be sad. How about that as a new year's resolution? I should turn back to the books, so I will not think, think, think ...

Saturday, January 06, 2007

|| Cooling down, a bit, in 75 Fahrenheit

It is the beginning of January, but I am wearing my favorite peasant girl look and scouring up and down Virginia to find my lounge pants in 75 degree fahrenheit. It has been very mild this winter in the eastern board of the map in the US, but shall I say it too quickly, that the most severe winter days are not over yet? According to mom's winter calendar, it is just passing the first of the three nine days for the coldest weather.

This is part of the "keep busy" of the therapy that I pull myself out of the trouble, now that it has just passed the 30 day mark since the start of the recent blows of storms by the not-so-mercy killer. Yes, I am counting the days, so obviously they are not over yet, you know, the thoughts just creep on me, with no controls whatsoever, but I think I am cooling down.

On the highway, it was friday night, I drove and got distracted again. Don't know what got me, but all of a sudden, what he did to me, also the woman, felt like really disgusting. Entangling into a web like this, no wins but losses no matter what came out of it, a bad history, a classic behavoral repeat of cheating, the increasing indecisiveness in the character, the conflicting goals and objectives and actions, the shame of not showing up, not replying, not acting till this day ... it's just as laughable as I looked everywhere and anywhere for a pair of lounge pants.

Slowly the heart is cooling down ... I'm amazed that we learn, but not necessarily in a good way, what I have observed but can just think with some senses, that he continues to cheat, to lie, to hide, on the track of delivering a new betrayal. Also it has to come upon me that he is obsessed with revenge, money, and control. In my most stupid responses, forgive me that I must have been drunk, I said that I am still trusting him. No, he is all danger, all trouble for me, I should really stay away or else I become the new betrayal for the third time. I said the dreams are bad, me struggling whether or not I should dial his number, really struggles in a painful way, but these couple of days, on the road, following the traffic in a mechanical way, passing through the natual tunnel along the trees, have allowed me to get down to the sensible me again. It was not that he could not stop her from following him, he could easily apply the same cruelty to her, but he chose to lose the "good opinions" from me.

Isn't it sad that I have to lose the "good opinons", not to me, he does not care for my "good opinions" anyway. I say he dose not know what he has lost, but he says that he knows what he has given up. No, he does not know. They are different things. We desire "good opinions" from the society, we will never give it up, but we can lose them. No, I am not trusting him, words from his mouth are always conditional with an agenda that he owns and controls.

Having been in the US, I learned to claw back from my miseries. I've been close to breakdowns many times in the 30 days, I have acted with good wills, with grace, with an integrity. I am at the cliff of somewhere, but I am not jumping down. I will slowly walk down to the safe grounds, how I got there in the first place?! I am capable, cooling down complexions and thoughts and expressions, he does not know the half of me, and now he will not. No need to allocate time for meditation, it comes to me directly. So, not sure if it is because that holidays are over, the nostalgic feelings are no longer needed to dispel the moodiness from the slow and jazzy and tearful Christmas songs and New Year's greetings, but at this moment, I am thinking this is disgusting and I do not trust him.

7:00am woke up and got up

9:30am visited the backyard library, as usual, fashion books. A piece of article about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, unexpectedly, becomes an inspiring thought. I normally didn't like the couple, not to mention that I probably would not find spiritual support from any of the entertainment celebrities. But there was something that Anglina said - there were a lot of times when I couldn't find my places from passion, but I'm committed to the future, committed to the life. Yes, that's who I had been in the past, recovering from wounds, getting up and off I go, just that they were years ago. - we have decided to become better persons, even if we are just better bikers or better pilots - lofty goals, long term planning, they were dreams that I had not made a committment or a determination to set off actions.
11:30am had dim sum morning tea
1:00pm drove on the road to fredericksberg
2:00pm shopped around crestview apartment buildings, 1st or the 3rd floor, roadside or wooded trees facing, south, west, east, north
3:30pm drove further north to potomac mills, bought almost nothing except for a discounted nike vaporing pants. Also learned about the AF1 shoes (no design is the design), the pair that Justin Timberlake wore in the victoria secret show last december
6:00pm redirected down south and made the decision to hit stony point park
8:00pm shopped in stony point, bought a cocktail dress, ate at Chipole for a burrito in a bowl
10:00pm got back home, tired, exactly what I had wanted, also with a running nose and sore throat and coughing

I so hate being sick, coughing really bad.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

|| On the run, a typical day?

3:34am in the morning, I woke up or was I dreaming anyway. I was sleepless again, turning, churning, struggling, do I call someone, do I call him, no, I shouldn't, no, I couldn't, no, I would not let myself rot like this.

7:30am the alarm went off.

8:30am the car got settled in the garage, only then did I remember that I've got to have my laptop repaired from the PC on the run workshop. I ran to west creek 6, oh my, people had been waiting there. Yes, the body hardware had arrived. But the wireless feature didn't work, and the first meeting had already started. Wait, Yang was calling my cell phone ...

9:30am the stingy room was full of people. I thought I could take a breath of something, 'cause I haven't had my breakfast, not even a cocoa drink. All right, I digged in. Tanya showed up with a piece of paper with numbers and handwriting. Fantastic, Chris and Steve are going to have a meeting at 2pm, but I still beat Tanya knowing stuff before she did.

11:00am back to the PC on the run, yes, they tested it five times. Off I ran, and on the way, I booted the machine. It appeared to be fine. Yeah, Matt is already waiting on me. 10 minutes pull up on hierarchy change, silence is gold ... 15 minute I pulled up the quality service supply/demand decks and fired them away to Keller. Tammy stopped by, she was checking on me, oh, she has been so nice to me, but I drove her away, fire drills.

12:10pm started to pack and taking off to Applebees.

12:30pm walked in with guilt into Applebees, ordered myself a chicken casadia and unsweetened iced tea. I had to sit at the end of the corner with Rich, Anil, Shawn, Raj and David. Terrible timing, terrible seating, they talk about football, baseball ... but I managed to finish up my plate, which is a first time in the past 30 days.

1:30pm bowling America time, sucks, gutters, as usual, 3 rounds ... left my cell phone on the table.

4:15pm back home, logged to VPN, my, dozens of e-mails on risks/opps, hierarchy changes, budget moves, HW/SW misses, product features ... started to give answers or pass on.

5:30pm ready to go to Victoria Secret, semi-annual sale started from today, but one more e-mail popped up that needs to be addressed immediately.

6:00pm met Yang in the store, she is quick onto things already, bras are not impressive, panties are not my tastes. I wanted lounge clothes, they've got so many styles online, but there are none in store. I picked up a couple of lounge pants, waited to try them on, no, didn't fit or flatter the shape.

7:00pm came back and started cooking and chatting with Yang, did he block me, did he delete me, no, I do not want to get online and find it out.

8:00pm dinner is ready.

9:45pm blogging, e-mails, chatting, nonsense.

.....

Surprise of the day - I met Yang Xiaoguang, and he told me that he is Carter's friend. Small world, Carter himself just mentioned it a couple of weeks ago in the front of me. "How did you know his wife"? Of course, I had to lie, a random friend.

Monday, January 01, 2007

|| What day is it? It is 1/1/2007.

It really rains a lot, and it has not stopped, not cold, just wet, wherever I have been. It was like tears running, if not from my eyes, then from the sky. Things are clouded with greyish greys, blueish blues, what day is it, it is the New Year's day. Today I opened up outlook, Josh had a message for me from yesterday (2006) that he lost VPN connection when completing the 360 for me, thought that I had been the only one working hard on holidays, no, adults do not expect holidays, they work the days whenever they need to. Work the life, not expect the life.

I'm wearing a white chunky bids bracelet, that had been worn in one year, that had not been worn in the following year, that I returned last month, and that was returned back to me last week.

Clouds pressed the sky yesterday; rain keeps falling today. I accompanied mom to welcome her new year's TV countdown moments, and she accompanied me to welcome my new year's TV countdown moments. We support each other; she supports me. Where is the new year's wish, where is the new year's resolution, they were kids' dreams. I'm not kid any more, no one is looking at the kid. It's working the days, everyday, every moment.