It is the beginning of January, but I am wearing my favorite peasant girl look and scouring up and down Virginia to find my lounge pants in 75 degree fahrenheit. It has been very mild this winter in the eastern board of the map in the US, but shall I say it too quickly, that the most severe winter days are not over yet? According to mom's winter calendar, it is just passing the first of the three nine days for the coldest weather.
This is part of the "keep busy" of the therapy that I pull myself out of the trouble, now that it has just passed the 30 day mark since the start of the recent blows of storms by the not-so-mercy killer. Yes, I am counting the days, so obviously they are not over yet, you know, the thoughts just creep on me, with no controls whatsoever, but I think I am cooling down.
On the highway, it was friday night, I drove and got distracted again. Don't know what got me, but all of a sudden, what he did to me, also the woman, felt like really disgusting. Entangling into a web like this, no wins but losses no matter what came out of it, a bad history, a classic behavoral repeat of cheating, the increasing indecisiveness in the character, the conflicting goals and objectives and actions, the shame of not showing up, not replying, not acting till this day ... it's just as laughable as I looked everywhere and anywhere for a pair of lounge pants.
Slowly the heart is cooling down ... I'm amazed that we learn, but not necessarily in a good way, what I have observed but can just think with some senses, that he continues to cheat, to lie, to hide, on the track of delivering a new betrayal. Also it has to come upon me that he is obsessed with revenge, money, and control. In my most stupid responses, forgive me that I must have been drunk, I said that I am still trusting him. No, he is all danger, all trouble for me, I should really stay away or else I become the new betrayal for the third time. I said the dreams are bad, me struggling whether or not I should dial his number, really struggles in a painful way, but these couple of days, on the road, following the traffic in a mechanical way, passing through the natual tunnel along the trees, have allowed me to get down to the sensible me again. It was not that he could not stop her from following him, he could easily apply the same cruelty to her, but he chose to lose the "good opinions" from me.
Isn't it sad that I have to lose the "good opinons", not to me, he does not care for my "good opinions" anyway. I say he dose not know what he has lost, but he says that he knows what he has given up. No, he does not know. They are different things. We desire "good opinions" from the society, we will never give it up, but we can lose them. No, I am not trusting him, words from his mouth are always conditional with an agenda that he owns and controls.
Having been in the US, I learned to claw back from my miseries. I've been close to breakdowns many times in the 30 days, I have acted with good wills, with grace, with an integrity. I am at the cliff of somewhere, but I am not jumping down. I will slowly walk down to the safe grounds, how I got there in the first place?! I am capable, cooling down complexions and thoughts and expressions, he does not know the half of me, and now he will not. No need to allocate time for meditation, it comes to me directly. So, not sure if it is because that holidays are over, the nostalgic feelings are no longer needed to dispel the moodiness from the slow and jazzy and tearful Christmas songs and New Year's greetings, but at this moment, I am thinking this is disgusting and I do not trust him.
7:00am woke up and got up
9:30am visited the backyard library, as usual, fashion books. A piece of article about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, unexpectedly, becomes an inspiring thought. I normally didn't like the couple, not to mention that I probably would not find spiritual support from any of the entertainment celebrities. But there was something that Anglina said - there were a lot of times when I couldn't find my places from passion, but I'm committed to the future, committed to the life. Yes, that's who I had been in the past, recovering from wounds, getting up and off I go, just that they were years ago. - we have decided to become better persons, even if we are just better bikers or better pilots - lofty goals, long term planning, they were dreams that I had not made a committment or a determination to set off actions.
11:30am had dim sum morning tea
1:00pm drove on the road to fredericksberg
2:00pm shopped around crestview apartment buildings, 1st or the 3rd floor, roadside or wooded trees facing, south, west, east, north
3:30pm drove further north to potomac mills, bought almost nothing except for a discounted nike vaporing pants. Also learned about the AF1 shoes (no design is the design), the pair that Justin Timberlake wore in the victoria secret show last december
6:00pm redirected down south and made the decision to hit stony point park
8:00pm shopped in stony point, bought a cocktail dress, ate at Chipole for a burrito in a bowl
10:00pm got back home, tired, exactly what I had wanted, also with a running nose and sore throat and coughing
I so hate being sick, coughing really bad.
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