|| Death is so close

The whole week I have been hearing and talking about death, it was like death was ringing off the hook, knocking on the door ...

Beiju told me he and his family got the news from the newspaper when he was merely nineteen years old, I'm not sure what I should be thinking, but certainly do not ever want to think of the possibility that it could happen to anyone ... Mom told me that aunt may only live for eight years, because it was discovered that cancer had spreaded to stage two, but both my uncle and aunt are keeping up with the spirits, however chemotherapy draws them down, loss of strength, hair loss, vomiting ... yet insurance does not cover everything! Jie hasn't come to the office after Monday, heard her on the phone making doctor's appointment regarding her husband's migrane, loss of vision and loss of memory, but then had to rush to the emergency room. Just a year ago, he had a major operation removing a big tumor on the viral cord, then went to rehabilitation in Baltimore, coming back but still had to rely on object assistance for walking ... what a cruel world that people should ever suffer. I am also worried, which I didn't used to care about diseases and illnesses, but I am very worried.

In high school I was obsessed with talking and versing on death. I was not under pressure, not feeling pain, just like the darkness of death. There had been lots and lots of readings and poems on the dark power and heavy breathes. The torture, as I had to put it this way, was actually the uneasiness of putting myself in a group of people where not everything is judged by a logical way. I could not speak out, but I had one good companion and we could keep going talking about it like vanity fair. However, the black force receded in the twenties, now coming back again in my thirties and struck with lightening speed.

I met Raj in the bridge way in the Village, he said that I had become very calm, yes calm, being calm is such a virtue, god knows how many times I pulled myself away from degradations. I had to admit that life is beautiful when I am healthy and the family is healthy. There are many things that I could have, but they are nothing compared to being able to breathe freely, move freely and enjoy a day freely.

It was miserable the past two months, or was it? It became so pale when compared to the real tragedies in life that can hardly be reversed or lifted in an easy way. I could hardly speak it out, 'cause it was not a loss, but the dawn for me, when I do have both my hands, my legs, my heart and my brain all to myself, not taken away. I do not deny that I dream, I sympathize, I make scenarios, long time ago they did come true amazingly, but I should not let them turn into real any time in my life. So I have calm down, and I worry about much real risks and tragedies, even when they don't really affect me.

On the way home, I drove and noticed that the sky had a very beautiful golden lining right above the land line in the massive navy blue sky. That was striking, not a slice of lining, but a band of irregular and unpatterned opening; not a pitch black sky, but dark blue with attractive depth and mistery. Yes, the end of one matter always present the beginning of the other. I was too silly not to take the beginning, but think that I could reverse the end.

Yes, you are caged in a world of lies and deceits and betrayals, but I am finally out, and that should be the golden lining. I still like the dark force, the heavy breathe, they are attractive like the navy blue, but I have to love the brightness of where it leaves. It's getting close to the chinese new year, and I should not have thought about the evil death, but death is near, and I am calm, just I will not allow myself to be sad. How about that as a new year's resolution? I should turn back to the books, so I will not think, think, think ...