|| Difficult messages

37. Deliver difficult messages

How to Deliver Difficult Messages
Difficult conversations are tough for all parties, but, when done well, they are constructive and help get work done, remove obstacles, help people learn and grow, and advance objectives. Use the following 3 step process to prepare for and have constructive conversations on difficult topics.

1. Prepare
Adopt a Positive Mindset
First, it’s helpful to reframe how you approach the conversation by adopting a positive mindset. Instead of dwelling on your concern over the conversation not going well, focus on the positive aspects of confronting the issue. For example, instead of thinking, "I'm worried about how they'll respond," instead think, "This will be a tough conversation, but in the long run, this will strengthen our relationship." Or, if it’s someone you don’t have a relationship with, honest communication will help you both work through a challenge, build trust, and achieve success for the organization. In this way, the conversation is constructive and aims for a positive outcome.

Focus on the outcome
Second, it’s important to focus on the outcome you want to achieve. For example, imagine your team member has missed another project deadline. What do you really want to discuss: the missed deadline or the overall impact missed deadlines have on the project? Though you may be inclined to focus on one specific situation, there may be a bigger issue to discuss. Likewise, imagine you have a strong disagreement with a peer on another team about how to address a client need. The conversation is heated and you’re at a stalemate as to how to proceed. You could focus on getting the other person to see your point of view. Or, you could take a step back and focus on a shared outcome…what would be the best decision for the client.

Consider the context
Third, consider the context of the conversation. Difficult conversations will go much better when you are in the right environment. For example, it’s important to share disappointing news in a private setting instead of in a team meeting so the person feels you are respecting their privacy.

Determine the timing
Finally, determine the timing of the conversation. Ideally, you would have the conversation as soon as possible, but you may need to consider what else is going on for you and the other person that day. Schedule the conversation at a time when both of you can fully focus, distractions are minimal, and you won’t feel rushed.

2. During the Conversation
Be direct
First, be direct. It’s tempting to soften the message, but that can be harmful. You need to be honest about the situation for the conversation to be productive. Avoid minimizing or diluting the message.
Remember the scenarios you considered earlier. Think about how you’d address the team member who was late on a project deadline. Using an indirect approach, you might say: “I really appreciate all that you’re doing, and that you’re always willing to take on new projects. I just noticed you missed a project deadline. I’m sure it’s because you’re so busy. What can I do to help make things less hectic for you?” By not directly addressing the purpose of the conversation, the person may misunderstand your message. They may have heard, “It’s okay to miss deadlines because you’re so busy..” which was not the message you were trying to send. A more direct approach would be, “Let’s talk about that missed project deadline and how we avoid this in the future.” The first approach avoids directly addressing the issue. The second approach is to the point. It is still polite, and does not send a mixed message about your intent.

Be Clear
Similarly, be clear in your language. Be intentional with the words you use during the conversation. Avoid using complicated or vague terms to make sure your recipient is clear on what you are communicating and any next steps. For example, saying "As a project manager, you need to make sure that each team member is clear about their roles and responsibilities" is better than saying, "You need to improve your leadership." And, finally, ensure shared understanding by reiterating your key message, if necessary.

Be Inclusive
No one in a conversation always has a complete understanding of the issue so, it’s important that both parties share their perspectives. Keep the dialogue open to make sure the other person feels heard and understood. Ask them how they see things instead of just advocating for your point of view. For example, asking “What do you think?” versus “Don’t you agree that things will be better this way?” makes the person feel more comfortable to share their point of view, as opposed to the latter, which can feel one-sided.
Another technique to be inclusive of the other person is to genuinely listen and acknowledge what they say. Ensuring the other person feels heard is a powerful way to keep the conversation constructive and move it forward.

Take a neutral perspective
Finally, take a neutral perspective in the conversation. There are three perspectives in any conversation: the 1st perspective is the way you see it, the 2nd perspective is the way the other person sees it, and then, there’s the third perspective, which is more neutral and objective. It’s natural to describe the situation from your perspective, but that may make the other person feel defensive. Review the examples to see a neutral perspective in action.

3. After the conversation
Follow up
It’s easily forgotten, yet a very important final step: follow up with the person after the conversation. People often have new thoughts or questions after having time to process the conversation. Following up ensures you and the person have a mutual understanding of the situation and any potential next steps. And, if you haven't already, it allows you to let them know you appreciate working with them to resolve the issue.

Schedule another conversation if needed
If it feels like the situation wasn’t fully addressed or you may have more questions, it’s critical to have a second conversation. If needed, schedule a follow-up conversation shortly after the first so that you can more quickly move towards understanding and resolution